We here at RideLust will be the first to tell you: unless you’re counting pay dates, a car is not going to get you laid. No matter how much coin you drop on a ride, if you weigh 400 pounds, live in your mom’s basement and haven’t showered in a month, you’re just not closing the deal. Owning a Bugatti Veyron isn’t going to change that.
On the flip side, there have always been cars that act as estrogen repellent. No matter how matter how ripped you may be, no matter what size hog you’re packing, no matter what kind of coin you’ve got in the bank, these cars are guaranteed to break the deal more effectively than being a buck-toothed hunchback with personal hygiene issues and a sociopathic personality disorder.
These aren’t the ugliest cars of all time and they’re not the worst cars of all time. Some enjoyed a rather long and successful production run. Others, fortunately, died off after a few brief model years. Some, sadly, are still for sale (either new or used) in the US.
Here’s our list of cars guaranteed to repel dates better than cheap-beer-and-Cheetos vomit down the front of your frilly pirate shirt:
Built from 1975 through 1987, the Chevette defined the term “econobox”. Everything about the car was cheap, from the materials used to the build quality to the purchase price. Engines options were a 1.4 liter inline 4 or a 1.6 liter inline 4, which Chevy actually had the balls to market in a “high output” version. Compared to what? A lawn tractor? The good news is that your chance of encountering one today lies between “slim” and “none”; like the dinosaurs, they died off for a reason.
Sold in the US from 1987 to 1994, most Justy’s have long since rusted into oblivion. Were you unfortunate enough to own one, you know how grossly underpowered the 1.0 or 1.2 liter three cylinder engine was. Ironically, the car could even be ordered with AWD after 1988, making it easier to drive to that remote location before you shot the hell out of it with a 12 gauge.
Beyond the shadow of a doubt, the uncoolest car ever sold in the United States. Mercifully, it was available only from 1996 to 1998, and just over 7,000 were imported into the US. If the clown-car styling didn’t repel the opposite sex better than a can of mace, the flashy graphics often splashed down the side would. You’d have a better chance of looking manly walking a teacup poodle, while wearing a miniskirt and stiletto heels, than you would driving this car.
Sold in the US from 1954 to 1962, the Nash Metropolitan was one of the first domestic subcompact cars. Built in a time when bigger was better, the vast majority of Americans never understood the Metropolitan, and that’s a good thing. Often painted in two tone color schemes such as coral and white or turquoise and white, the car virtually screamed “I’m not attracted to women”, unless of course it was a woman behind the wheel. Despite their odd appearance, Metropolitans sold rather well and were second only to VW Beetles in their category. Handling was described as “loose” and “full of roll and wallow”, but what do you expect from a short wheelbase car with a very soft suspension? Despite my opinion about the car’s appeal, Elvis owned one and so did Paul Newman; maybe I’m wrong on this, or maybe a man just likes to feel pretty every once in a while.
Known as the “Le Car” in the US, the Renault 5 was sold from 1976 to 1986. Nothing about the car, from its uninspired box-on-box styling, to its cramped interior, to its anemic 55 horsepower engine, was even remotely appealing. Build quality was horrific, even by U.S. automaker standards of the period, so you’re unlikely to encounter one today. As attractive to women as eating a garlic and onion sandwich and dousing yourself with Hai Karate cologne
Alright, confession time: I like Pintos. Especially Pinto race cars, because they were light, cheap and handled surprisingly well. That said, they were as cool as a a purple crushed velvet tux with a leopard skin cummerbund and a mullet hairdcut. Built from 1970 to 1980, the Pinto was a major hit with buyers who wanted something inexpensive and practical from FoMoCo. Unfortunately, a design flaw led to their propensity to burst into flames when hit from behind. Sure, a simple production mod would have eliminated the threat, but the cost per car (under $10) was deemed unacceptably high by Ford execs. Whoops. In any case, it’s hard for a date to get her freak on if she’s worried about burning to death in a raging gasoline inferno. Want a cool vintage ride? Look elsewhere.
Sold in the US from 1989 to 2001, the Geo Metro was the offspring of GM’s ill fated partnership with Suzuki. There was one reason and one reason only to buy a three cylinder Metro as a new car: because you were a cheap bastard who didn’t give a crap about driving and were too lazy to look up a bus schedule. Metros were as boring to look at as they were to drive, and even the convertible or the four cylinder LSi versions act as an effective repellant for the opposite sex. There may be a few granola munching, patchouli wearing ultra-vegans who find the Metro’s 45 mpg a turn on, but do you really want to sleep with a woman that has more body hair than you do?
Launched in the US in 2003, the Aveo is still (tragically) available for purchase. Built by Daewoo for GM, build quality is so poor that even rental car agencies avoid this lemon like a piece of three day old sushi on the sidewalk. What do you expect from a company whose CEO ran them into bankruptcy before fleeing the country? Think “Geo Metro, but with even worse build quality” and you get the picture. Like most undesirables, the Aveo also goes by an alias: the Pontiac G3. Avoid ‘em at all costs.
Available in the US from 1986 to 1992, the Yugo GV was arguably the worst car ever sold in the United States. Loosely based on a Fiat 127, the Yugo was wrapped in an Italian-styled body to make it more attractive; like a sixty year old hooker, it only looked good from a distance. When the lighting was poor. Conceived as a price point vehicle, built as a price point vehicle and sold as a price point vehicle, Yugos were notorious for mechanical failure and poor drivability (partly due to their overly complex but inexpensive emission control system). Mileage that counted as “broken in” on other cars counted as “worn out” on a Yugo, and the chances of coming across a running example today aren’t very high. Zastava, the manufacturer of Yugo, has the distinction of being the only automaker on this list to ever have a factory destroyed by NATO airstrikes. NATO claims they were going for Zastava’s arms production plant and hit the car factory by mistake, but I’m not buying it. Someone in the pilot’s family must have owned a Yugo at some point.
Datsun B210 Honeybee
Datsun B-210s were sold in the US from 1973 to 1978, before we realized things like polyester, disco and ABBA really did suck. As if the Datsun B-210 two-door hatchback weren’t uncool enough on its own, Datsun chose to introduce a limited edition yellow version with black graphics called the “Honey Bee”. Sure it gave reasonable fuel economy, but sooner or later someone you knew was going to see you driving it. Thin sheet metal that seemed to rust in the sun, combined with an interior made from cheap vinyl and cardboard means you aren’t likely to find one today. And that’s a good thing.