Last week we introduced you to the glamourous world of tuner and local car show girls. We gave you a glimpse into their world of small town convention centers, unemployed boyfriends and endless attempts at upskirt photos from kids and adults alike. At RideLust, we recognize that some women want more from a career in auto show representation, so in this installment, we’ll cover the next step up the Car Show Girl Ladder: Umbrella Girls, aka Grid Girls, aka Paddock Girls.
What, you ask, is an Umbrella Girl? An Umbrella Girl is an ambassador of motorsports, a walking billboard and a tireless provider of portable ultra-violet protection for some of the best car and motorcycle racers on the planet. The key job of an Umbrella Girl is to provide temporary shade for racers as they sit on the grid, prior to the start of the race. Umbrella Girls must be strong enough to hold an umbrella for hours at a time, in sweltering heat, with a permanently affixed smile. They must be ideal physical specimens, as corporate logos will be prominently displayed across their perfectly formed chests and buttocks. Above all, an Umbrella Girl must never perspire, even if this requires her to seal every pore in her body with KrazyGlue.
You would think that Umbrella Girls have plenty of free time before the grid assembles and after the race begins. Sadly, this just isn’t the case. An Umbrella Girl is on the clock from the second she zips up her go-go boots or straps on her stiletto heels, until after the last drunken spectator has been dragged across the parking lot by his slightly-less-drunken friends. The ongoing job of an Umbrella Girl is to get as many spectators as possible, male and female alike, to stare at her chest. Pictures with hormonally crazed teenagers are strongly encouraged, as are photos with middle aged husbands reliving their glory days. The more people who stare at your chest, the better – that’s where the sponsor logos are.
The good news is that Umbrella Girls are actually paid by the companies they represent, in currency other than oxycontin, Pabst Blue Ribbon and fast food cheeseburgers. Yes, you still have men undressing you with their eyes. Yes, you still have teenaged boys burping the worm to your photos. Yes, you still have drunken women silently (or sometimes, vocally) calling you names because you’re far hotter than they’ll ever be. Here’s the good news: at this level, you’re dealing with a higher class of riff-raff. Depending on the racing series or event, the people slipping you their phone number will actually have jobs, and in some cases good jobs. Instead of being taken out to dinner in a 300 horsepower Civic with a rattle can primer paint job, you could be taken out to dinner in a late model Corvette, Porsche or even Ferrari.
Still, the life of an Umbrella Girl isn’t for everyone. You must look amazingly hot in lycra that’s really too small for a Barbie doll; the second you don’t, the agency kicks you to the curb for someone ten years younger. You must be willing to work at venues like the “Des Moines Pig Farmers Association Presents The Hog Slop 250” before you’ll be thigh to thigh with Valentino Rossi at the Grand Prix of Spain. It’s not intellectually stimulating work, since you’re not expected to know about the products, series, teams or drivers you represent.
If you’re good at staring into space with a vacant smile and want to travel the world getting drooled on by men of all cultures, a career as an Umbrella Girl may just be a good fit for you. If you want more, but still want to be linked to cars and motorcycles, there’s still hope: next time we’ll talk about auto show models.
Author’s note: So You Want To Be A Car Show Girl will be a semi-reoccurring piece on RIdeLust. It’s written tongue-in-cheek and should in no way be taken seriously. Except the part about sending us bikini or underwear pics if you’re over 18. We meant that. And we’re still waiting.