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OnStar Services We’d Like To See

Posted in Car Accessories, Funny, General, GM, GMC by Kurt Ernst | March 25th, 2010 | 1 Response |

My father-in-law recently purchased new Chevy Malibu, and the OnStar service was a big selling point for him. He likes the navigation feature, and despite already carrying a cell phone likes the fact that an emergency operator is just the push of a button away.

Me? I’m a take-care-of-yourself kind of guy. I keep my vehicles in good working order, always make sure my cell phone is charged before heading out the door and carry enough tools (Gorilla Tape, a Leatherman multi-tool and tire plugs) that I can limp the car home no matter what happens. Plus, the idea of big brother watching me drive just creeps me out; I can only imagine how many times I’d have an operator calling me because they detected excessive g-forces from my vehicle.

More after the jump.

Still, if OnStar expanded their services just a bit, perhaps they could attract more clients. The following transcripts are NOT based on actual OnStar calls. If they were, perhaps I’d be motivated to buy a vehicle that had it.

OnStar Apache

OS Operator: “Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?”
Me: “Hello OnStar. I’d like to call in an airstrike on the assnozzle in front of me. They’ve been driving below the speed limit in the left lane for the past ten miles, and I can’t get around them on the right.”
OS Operator: “Very well sir, did you want the minigun strafing run or the Hellfire missile attack?”
Me: “He’s really pissing me off – better go with the Hellfire missiles”
OS Operator: “An excellent choice sir, but I must remind you that Hellfire missiles are a PREMIUM service. You’ll see the charge on your next statement.”
Me: “Not a problem ma’am”
OS Operator: “OK, I just need to confirm your coordinates, and I’d advise you to back off and leave some room for our Apache gunship to move in. Thank you for using OnStar, and have a great day.”

OnStar FastRoute

OS Operator: “Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?”
Me: “I’m running late for an important meeting, and traffic isn’t moving. Can you turn on the auto navigate feature and activate the lights and siren?”
OS Operator: “Yes sir, I’d be happy to. We call that FastRoute, and I have to give you our standard disclaimer that FastRoute will get you to your destination in the minimum amount of time, but this may include driving across private property, through fences and occasionally avoiding high speed pursuit. Do we have a waiver of liability on file for you?”
Me: “Yes ma’am, I sent it in last month”
OS Operator: “Very well then. Please make sure your airbags are deactivated, your seat belt is fastened and I STRONGLY recommend you remove your hands from the steering wheel. We’ll take it from here.”
Me: “Could you also..”
OS Operator: “Arrange a flatbed to pick up the remains of your car? Already done, sir.”

OnStar CarGuard

OS Operator: “Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?”
Me: “I’ve just been hit by some kids in a stolen car, and they took off.”
OS Operator: “Are you hurt? Do you require an ambulance or police.”
Me: “No, I’m OK. I’m just pissed about my car.”
OS Operator: “I show that you were hit by a 2005 Hond Civic, black, with four occupants. The car is currently headed north on interstate 95. Would you like us to dispatch our ‘CarGuard’ specialists'”
Me: “Yeah, just don’t send Vincent and Jules again.”
OS Operator: “Sir, were you dissatisfied with their previous work?”
Me: “Dissatisfied isn’t the right word. They were a little too… enthusiastic. I mean the poor old woman just backed into me in a parking lot. A simple beating would have been enough.”
OS Operator: “Understood sir. We’ll dispatch a new team this time. Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day…”

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One Response

  1. Gary B. 'Artillery' says:

    ummm yeah I would pay for those services in a heartbeat, but I would choose Vincent and Jules every time. Russians think they understand scorched earth…..f’em :)