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New General Motors Chairman Vows to “Learn About Cars”

Posted in auto industry, Bizarre, Buick, Cadillac, Camaro, Cars, Chevrolet, Corvette, Detroit, General, GM, GMC, Hummer, Newsworthy, Oldsmobile, Pontiac, Saab, Saturn by Adam | June 11th, 2009 | 1 Response |


Texas grown Edward E. Whitacre Jr. knows plenty about telephones. He spent 43 of his 67 years building AT&T into a multi-national telephone giant. That takes some quality wrangling, my friends. But what about cars?

It’s no secret that our very own stumbling bull, General Motors needs some reeling in. A smart, business-savvy, go-git-em’ Texan behind the reins could steer the company out of chapter 11 bankruptcy. So the U.S. Treasury Department, who are dishing GM a sum of $65 Billion, reached out and touched the retired Whitacre, presumably in his happy place. Yee-haw!

Things should start looking up for GM, they’ve now got a bona fide ‘man of action’ atop their golden shitter. If anybody can figure out how to get the bastard to stop flushing billions of dollars every year it’ll be a man in a Stetson.

“I don’t know anything about cars,” Whitacre said yesterday in an interview following his appointment as chairman of General Motors.

Wait… What?

According to the fine folks at Bloomburg, Whitacre has vowed to ‘learn about cars.’ An entirely fictitious RideLust staffer under deep cover in Detroit has reported that Whitacre’s web browsing history includes a June 7th google search for ‘how cars go,’ and several June 9th viewings of howstuffworks.com’s automobile pages.

“A business is a business, and I think I can learn about cars. I’m not that old, and I think the business principles are the same,” Whitacre stated.

It takes some serious low hanging spheres to accept a leadership position in a bankrupt international corporation and then announce very casually to the media that same day that you know essentially nothing about the corporation’s product and livelihood. So, a small part of me is clapping for you, Eddie, but damn, you better get your game together fast. First thing you should know about GM cars: they don’t really transform into giant, sentient robots from outer space whose only mission is to aid you into Megan Fox’s panties. I was pissed, too.

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  1. Curious Cars says:

    Um…isn’t “Ma Bell” the company everyone loved to hate? Wasn’t AT&T’s logo for a while the “Death Star”? (I think it still is, but it’s a softer, friendlier looking Death Star.) Didn’t their rate plans and bills cause many a head to explode and confound NASA scientists? Aren’t they the masters of extracting value from their customers more than creating value? I’ve never considered AT&T to be a great company, just a big one with a lot of bureaucracy. Hm…that’s sounds familiar.