I’d like to preface this blog by saying that anyone who follows what I am about to say will have my full support. For those of you who don’t know, I am a New York native. I was born in lower Manhattan, grew up in Brooklyn and have lived all over the boroughs. Most people have preconceived notions about what it’s really like to live in and or around the big city, but in reality they have no idea. New York is a tough place, it wears you down and makes you hard. Living space is not measured in acreage here, it’s measured in square feet with a population density so tight that the borough of Queens could kick the shit out of the state of Rhode Island.
Living here means co-existing in close quarters. Parking is on the street and if you have a driveway or garage then you hang on to them like they’re gold bars. I happen to have both, but unfortunately my driveway is shared with the house next door. My neighbors are dirty, rude and inconsiderate. Truthfully I’d like to simply nuke them off the block but since most people would frown on a having a tactical nuke in such close proximity to them I needed another plan. As of late I have been compiling a list of devious, underhanded and lets face it, downright dirty pranks that should push my filthy neighbors over the automotive edge. I know others out there share my pain which is why this step by step list is being made available to the general public.
• Step 1: Identify your opponent
This is a key element that will help you succeed when trying to wreak havoc. First make sure you have the right car (this is key). Then observe and learn their automotive habits so when the moment comes to strike you are ready.
• Step 2: Determine the severity of the payback that you wish to deliver.
I know you’d like to simply blow your neighbors clean off the block, but lets face it, doing that will get you thrown in prison. We can however make their lives hell on earth. What you need to do is quantify the amount of payback you wish to deliver and the way in which to go about delivering it.
• Step 3 – ROCK-n-ROLL!!
The following is a list of A, B & C-class paybacks that will do nothing but annoy the ever-loving crap out of your intended target.
Project FWAP, FWAP!!
Take a piece of duct tape about 40 inches long and fold it over on itself repeatedly. Make sure, and this is important, that you leave 4-6 inches of the sticky side exposed. Once folded, proceed to stick the tape to the inside wall of one of the rear tires. Then sit back and watch as the victim drives away. Almost immediately they will hear FWAP, FWAP, FWAP, FWAP, FWAP, FWAP in the rear and think something is wrong. One stop will ensue, then another and another until the sound drives them crazy. Since the tape is hidden I can almost guarantee it will take them multiple stops and a lot of searching before they figure it out.
*** You can also achieve the same amount of frustration by taking multiple zip-ties and securing them to the drive shaft of the vehicle. This is tougher though as you must crawl under the car to do so. The payoff however has a longer shelf life.
This one is quick and easy but you must have access to the interior of the vehicle. Go to your local fish market and purchase 3 fresh little neck clams to work as your allies. When the opportunity presents itself take your little buddies and place them strategically inside the victims interior. Utilize any spaces under the dash, the seats and or in the storage compartments. Keep in mind that this is a time-release payback that won’t grant you immediate gratification. I guarantee however that after a few weeks the smell in that sucker will be worse than the stank in a sumo wrestlers unda’ pants.
*** Operation Super-stank can also be achieved by putting 2 fresh flounder fillets inside of each hubcap if the car is so equipped. This works especially well if the intended garages their ride.
The Love Monkey
Another quick and easy one that works great if the guy is married or in a relationship. Take one pair of panties and place them under the driver’s side windshield wiper of the partners car with a note that simply says; “_____, I Miss You”.
Sit and Spin
For rear wheel drive cars: Take one floor jack and proceed to raise the rear wheels about ¼” off the ground. Now insert some 2x4s or whatever you have available under the rear axle so the vehicle still appears to be sitting normally. The driver will get in and proceed to go from forward to reverse while being dumbfounded as to why they aren’t moving. This is a good one, just try to make sure they don’t rock themselves off the blocks and run into a busload of nuns.
Parking boot the f*cker…
There is no special tactic here… just boot the bastard and be gone.
The Back-up Plan
Rag the tailpipe – this one is simple. Go find a nice greasy rag and stick it in the tailpipe of the offenders whip, then sit back and watch the sputtering and backfiring take place. They won’t know WTF is going on with this one.
So now you’re at wits end. You’ve tried everything and nothings worked so it’s time to kick it up a notch. Grab one tube of JB Weld, mix appropriately and proceed to dab some on each of the cars door locks. Once this stuff hardens they won’t be getting back in unless they have a jackhammer.
Operation Flat Spot
Flat tires are never fun… especially when you have four of them. Remove all the valve stem cores and leave those pricks stranded. You can pick up a valve stem removal tool at any auto parts store. This prank will cost you $4.95 and leave you laughing all day long.
Up in Smoke
This one is great and will totally make those chumps next store think they blew a head gasket. Simply dump a little transmission fluid in the fuel tank and wait for the fun to begin. This is in no way lethal to the car, but it will make that Mutha’ F*cker smoke like a California forest fire.
So there you have it. A big ole’ list of how to get back at crappy neighbors, annoying employees or just people that you can’t flippin’ stand.