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Moronic Monikers: Who has the worst names?

Posted in Car Branding, Cars, Volkswagen by Dustin Driver | January 27th, 2010 | 4 Responses |

Armada? But there's only one! And it doesn't float! What's next, the Nissan Battalion?

Today’s announcement of the long-anticipated iPad* got me thinking. Auto companies stick some truly abysmal names on their cars. Touareg. Yaris. Patriot. Armada. And it only gets worse from there. But which company, overall, has the worst names in their lineup?

My initial thought was VW. Besides Touareg, you’ve got Routan, Tiguan, Passat, then Golf, Polo, Jetta, Eos, and New Beetle. Jetta is the only respectable name in the range. The SUV lineup sounds like a Klingon gagging on a muskrat. Yes, I’m aware that Touareg refers to a nomadic tribe from North Africa, but that only makes it worse. Golf and Polo? Because those are two sports that epitomize speed, agility, and fun. Eos? There’s nothing to love about that car. New Beetle? It hasn’t been new in a decade.

I haven’t even gotten to Hyundai or Kia’s naming schemes.

What do you think? Who has the most awful names in their lineup?

*Despite its name, it seems like an incredible device.

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4 Responses

  1. a says:

    Town car beats DeVille

  2. Kurt says:

    Overall, I think you’re right on the money with Volkswagen. I can barely pronounce “Tourag”, let alone conjure up images of desert adventure from the name. Ditto with Tiguan, which sounds like something you pick up from unprotected sex in Tijuana.

    Nothing beats the all time worst name, though – the Ford Probe. Was the Ford Speculum name already taken? How about the Ford Proctoscope?

  3. Dave says:

    Japan-only cars often have ridiculous names. Examples: Daihatsu Naked, Honda Life Dunk, Isuzu Mysterious Utility, Mitsubishi Delica Space Gear, and Toyota Deliboy. Other ridiculous car names include the Volkswagen Thing and the Volugrafo Bimbo.

  4. 68SportFury says:

    I always liked “Mazda Millenia.” First of all, it’s plural (one millennium, two millennia). And second, it’s spelled wrong.

    Then there was the original Ford Fiesta, which was a feast of sharp corners and tiny wheels, and was replaced by the Festiva, about which there was nothing festive.

    Or the original Hyundai Excel, whose very name was a lie, and which was replaced by the Hyundai Accent, the car that talks funny.

    I’ve been saving some of these up for years…