Yeah, it’s a common joke to make. Cars are intentionally designed to evoke the finest parts of the female anatomy, and cars that do this well usually end up on our walls or desktops inspiring depraved fantasies of hooligan activity. But car lust amounts to lust for power, speed, exclusivity, aesthetic value, and the gene se quoi that makes cars just–so damn cool. Grunt in agreement, toolmen!
But Edward Smith has taken our playful flirtations one step further. “As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I’m not gay.”
Yeah, thank goodness for that. Because in comparison with banging your commuter vehicle, having sex with other people of the same gender is quite strange indeed.
In the Biblical sense, he has “known” his cars, very, very well. At 57 years old he has admitted to having sex with over 1,000 cars, some of them his own, others merely seductive examples minding their own business in parking lots and showrooms of friends and strangers alike. And he has the pictures to prove it.
First enticed at 13 by the delicious Stingray Corvette, Edward felt a stirring most adolescent boys experience while tailing cheerleaders. And though he says he used to sleep with women, his preferences soon shifted away from all things human towards all things mechanical. Mechaphilia, it’s called: the sexual desire for a mechanical inanimate object. He was never able to shake this desire, so much so that he was unable to consummate his last “real” relationship with a woman twelve years ago due to her failure to replicate the familiar feel of his girlfriend Victoria’s happy place–a 1969 VW Beetle Smith bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I think I’ll just leave it at that.
But it’s not just cars that Mr. Smith goes all Rambo on. He’s an “equal-opportunity” Tail-Pipe pumper, extending his love to aircraft, and says his most intense sexual experience was “making love” with the helicopter for the 1980s TV hit show Airwolf.
Mr. Smith has kept quiet about his secret fetish, but has recently revealed his alternative sexuality and agreed to be interviewed as a part of a channel Five documentary on mechaphilia and will reportedly be meeting with the some 500 other examples of his kind at a rally in California. We, for one, have pity for every Fit, Yaris, Sprint, Jetta, Boxter, and PT Cruiser in sight of their parade.
Mr. Smith is quite adamant in his preference and defends his quirky lifestyle, and far be it from me to paraphrase his passion for motorworks:
“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” he said.
“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful.
“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”
He added: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”
“There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving.
“There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them.
“As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I’m not gay.”
To prove it, Mr. Smith currently lives in Washington state with his girlfriend Vanilla, a VW tribute to Herbie.