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Jeremy Clarkson Quotes: 15 More For Your Enjoyment

Posted in Celebrity Cars, Funny, General, Pop Culture by Kurt Ernst | April 16th, 2010 | 7 Responses |

It’s been almost a year since we printed 25 Awsome Jeremy Clarkson Quotes; despite this, it remains one of our most popular and most searched topics. Who doesn’t admire Jezza’s sense of humor and his ability to drive a car at speed? His fixation on British cars may be a bit odd, as is his insistance that American cars have electrical problems, but we love him anyway. In honor of the weekend, here are a few more Clarkson quotes for you to enjoy.

On Lancia automobiles

Lancia Fulvia

The Lancia Fulvia, more beautiful than going down on Charlize Theron. Or something.

On driving a Lancia Stratos kit car: “The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be before the seat belt jammed them up into my lungs.”

On the build quality of the Lancia Beta: “It was made of steel so thin that on a windy day it would actually change shape.”

On the styling of the Lancia Fulvia: “It really is as pretty as the sun setting over Charlize Theron.”

On women in cars

Emma Parker Bowles

On women driving the Renault Scenic, a boxy four door hatchback: “It is the oddest thing, but I’ve never seen anyone driving a Scenic with whom I would like to mate. Once I saw a pretty girl in a Prius, and occasionally you see someone ageing well in a Peugeot. But Scenics are always driven by gargoyles.”

On women who drive fast cars: “There is nothing to warm the cockles of my tumescence more than the sight of a girl in a serious car. Emma Parker-Bowles, for instance, has a Mitsubishi Evo VIII and the thought of that, honestly, keeps me awake at night.Just yesterday I saw a middle-aged housewife in rural clothes screaming down the M40 in a Lotus Elise. I nearly grew a third leg.”

On his wife’s ability to multitask: “My wife can cook supper, pacify a baby and make complicated tennis arrangements with friends on the phone all at the same time. And not once has she ever put the receiver down to find she’s inadvertently cooked the baby and rocked the sausages to sleep.”

On cars with overly stiff suspensions

Porsche 911 GT3

The 911 GT3, Chechen Edition

On the Porsche 911 GT3: “In essence, it’s a stripped out, ready-to-race version of the Carrera 2. So you get a roll cage instead of back seats and a massive fuel tank instead of a boot. You also get tyres that are nigh on slick, a spoiler big enough to serve as a landing strip for small aircraft and a ride quality with all the give and compliance of a Chechen terrorist.”

On the Renault Twingo Sport’s harsh ride: “On some bumps, the jolt is so bad that your lungs can come off.”

On various BMWs


The BMW X5 M, now powered by sliced dolphin or clubbed baby seals.

On the new M5: “There is only one feature in the M5’s electronic armoury that’s good; it’s a little button marked with an M on the steering wheel. Quite what M might stand for, I have no idea. Motorsport? Mohawk? Mombasa? I like to think it might be M*********** because that’s the effect it has.”

On the motor in the BMW X5, M version: “The results (of the M spec motor) are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel in your underpants. This car would be less annoying to ecomentalists if it ran on sliced dolphin.”

On various Audis

Audi Q7 V12 TDI

The Audi Q7 V12 TDI; when too much torque still isn't enough.

On Audi’s Q7, equipped with the V12 TDI motor: “The whole point of buying a diesel car is to save money. Having a V12 turbo diesel is like turning your central heating off at home and then keeping warm by burning Rembrandts.”

On Audi’s versus Trabants: “It wasn’t so bad when everyone had a Trabant, but in a unified Germany they were sharing the roads with Audis, and it was a mix as devastating as Baileys and lime juice. You may remember that in ’95 an entire East German family in their Trabant was killed when it hit an A8. And the Audi driver? He went home with a broken radiator grille.”

Miscellaneous Jezza ramblings

Bentley Brooklands

The Bentley Brooklands, in lunar white, presumably.

On driving the Bentley Brooklands on local roads: “It gave me some sense of what it would be like to park the moon.”

On cars with acoustically tuned exhausts: “The noise they make is as fake as a hooker’s smile.”

On the Corvette Z06 as a daily driver: “At low revs, the engine sounds like it’s fueled with spanners… as something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

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7 Responses

  1. Nads says:

    I just checked and of course cablevision doesn’t carry BBC America that has Top Gear, cablesivion Sucks

  2. Kurt says:

    Ah, but that’s what the internet is for. Just Google “Top Gear” and “Final Gear”, and watch (non-current) episodes to your heart’s content.

  3. William Vincent says:

    Show’s off the air, so they’re ALL non-current. LOL

  4. Cappy says:

    It will be back 2morrow

  5. Kurt says:

    Cappy, not a second too soon. I was starting to go through withdrawals.

  6. dadmehr irani says:

    Hello, I’m in love LANCIA FULVIA.