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Five Ways That Cars Are Like Women

Posted in Expensive Cars, Fast Cars, Favorite Cars, Lists by Kurt Ernst | July 2nd, 2011 | 3 Responses |

These two things are more alike than you realize...

I’ve been married for a long time, and yes, it’s to the same woman. In my case that’s a good thing, since she puts up with all my bad habits and we seem to get along just fine. I’ve also been driving cars for a long time, which makes me something of an expert on both cars and relationships. I won’t call myself an expert on women, because the most important rule you can learn as a guy is that particle physics is far more understandable than women. Try to picture rebuilding a six speed gearbox blindfolded, with your toes, while shocked at random intervals by a cattle prod, and that should give you an idea of the average woman’s complexity.

That said, there are some remarkable similarities between cars and women. Below are my top five, but feel free to hit me up with ones I may have missed. This is an equal opportunity site and I know we have female readers, so tell me how guys are like cars (example: we won’t do a thing unless our tank is full).

The hotter they are, the less likely you can afford them

Sure Italian supermodels are the stuff of fantasy, but unless you’ve got a Gulfstream V parked in the hangar (and no, that isn’t a euphemism) you can’t afford one. In fact, if you’ve got a Gulfstream in your hangar, you really can’t afford one.

If they go fast, sooner or later they’ll break your heart

Neil Young had it wrong: fading away is much better than burning out. The faster something is (whether it’s got legs, wings or wheels), the more likely it is to break your heart. It’s never a matter of if, only a matter of when.

Foreign models have different maintenance requirements

Know this going in: foreign models have quirks that you may not be accustomed to. Be patient, and listen to what they’re trying to tell you. Sometimes, different is expensive, but many times different is simply eye-opening.

Ignore them long enough and they’ll leave you high and dry

This also applies to anything with legs, wheels or wings. Why did my Scirocco leave me stranded at the worst possible times? Because I didn’t take care of it the way I should have. Relationships work the same way, although the parts costs and towing bills tend to be higher.

Regular servicing is the key to a long, happy relationship

Follow the instruction manual, but if you didn’t get one with your particular model remember this: more frequent service, with high quality parts, is far better than infrequent service (with shoddy parts).

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3 Responses

  1. inthebuff says:

    MCP! You need to do an equal opportunity column!

  2. Mark Smith says:

    Hmmm…I think you needed a section about Red Sportscars!

  3. Guys are like my steering wheel; no matter how often you clean it, it always gets greasy and sticky gain.

    Once a lemon, always a lemon. You can never change a guy (a leopard never changes his spots); a car that’s a lemon will always stay a lemon for all eternity. It’s better just to get rid of it and buy a new one. Don’t even bother fixing the lemon model; it’s a waste of time. Same with guys who are lemons. You cannot change them; best to go find yourself a new man.