In case you haven’t watched the news lately, the end of the world (at least according to some) is scheduled for this Saturday, May 21. Like most RideLust readers, I don’t think I’ll be sucked to the pearly gates on a pillar of light; instead, I’m planning a rather full weekend of looting and drunken debauchery. That said, now is probably a good time to pass along some car-related tips for the coming rapture. We’re all new to this end-of-the-world business, but it’s my job to think about things like this and pass my knowledge on to our diehard fans. You don’t think you’ll find this stuff on Jalopnik, do you?
Steal Something Practical
Sure, you’ve had your eyes on your neighbor’s Ferrari for a long, long time, but ask yourself this: do you really think a Ferrari owner has led a life free of sin? Besides, how much stolen merchandise can you fit in an F430? How well do you think it’ll handle when the streets run with blood and fire? A much more sensible choice is a good, stout SUV, the bigger the better. Hey, gas is free, so who cares what kind of mileage you’ll be getting?
Stock Up On Gas While The Power’s Still On
All it takes is one overly pious powerplant operator, and it’s lights out for the rest of us. Since you don’t know how long you have until the power goes out, now would be a very good time to make friends with someone who knows how to drive an 18 wheeler. All you need to do is find an abandoned gasoline tanker, and you’re set for eternity, or at least until the end of the month. If that plan doesn’t work out, be sure to fill up all your cars as soon as you, um, acquire them.
Watch For Empty Cars
Here’s another reason not to steal something fast: you never know when you’ll crest a hill, or round a bend, only to find traffic stopped across all three lanes. Now that there’s no such thing as speed enforcement, stacking a stolen 911 Turbo S into a Toyota Avalon seems like a really stupid way to die. If you’re going to go hammer down on a stretch of road, be sure to do a little recon first.
Stock Up On Road Food
Fresh food won’t last long when the lights go out, so stock up on road food like beef jerky and Clif bars as soon as you can. This stuff never goes bad, regardless of any printed expiration dates. Stock up on drinks, too, since it won’t take long for fresh water to be in short supply. Your first instinct may be to grab that 12 pack of Budweiser, but you’re better off stocking up on bottled water and Gatorade first. Besides, why settle for Bud when Hacker Pschorr Oktoberfest is now the same price?
There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Ammo Or Too Much Coffee
Post rapture, do you really think that cash, or even gold, will have much value? On the other hand, coffee, cigarettes and ammunition will be the new currencies, and I wouldn’t count on anyone taking credit cards. Whatever ride you decide on, make sure it’s got room for plenty of ammo, and always travel with something to barter. Also, it’s helpful to remember that bullets deflect up through auto glass, so always keep your head down in a motorized firefight.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you that stealing is illegal, as is looting and the types of general mayhem referenced above. If Saturday really is the end of the world (and I’m betting it won’t be), then no one will care if you follow this advice. If it isn’t, then let me remind you that this post is for entertainment purposes only, and in no way is meant to encourage illegal activities.