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Five Car Related Tips For The Coming Rapture

Posted in Best of, Rants & Raves, Tips by Kurt Ernst | May 19th, 2011 | 10 Responses |

May 21, 2011? Ruh-roh... Image: Eli the Bearded

In case you haven’t watched the news lately, the end of the world (at least according to some) is scheduled for this Saturday, May 21. Like most RideLust readers, I don’t think I’ll be sucked to the pearly gates on a pillar of light; instead, I’m planning a rather full weekend of looting and drunken debauchery. That said, now is probably a good time to pass along some car-related tips for the coming rapture. We’re all new to this end-of-the-world business, but it’s my job to think about things like this and pass my knowledge on to our diehard fans. You don’t think you’ll find this stuff on Jalopnik, do you?

Steal Something Practical

Sure, you’ve had your eyes on your neighbor’s Ferrari for a long, long time, but ask yourself this: do you really think a Ferrari owner has led a life free of sin? Besides, how much stolen merchandise can you fit in an F430? How well do you think it’ll handle when the streets run with blood and fire? A much more sensible choice is a good, stout SUV, the bigger the better. Hey, gas is free, so who cares what kind of mileage you’ll be getting?

Stock Up On Gas While The Power’s Still On

All it takes is one overly pious powerplant operator, and it’s lights out for the rest of us. Since you don’t know how long you have until the power goes out, now would be a very good time to make friends with someone who knows how to drive an 18 wheeler. All you need to do is find an abandoned gasoline tanker, and you’re set for eternity, or at least until the end of the month. If that plan doesn’t work out, be sure to fill up all your cars as soon as you, um, acquire them.

Watch For Empty Cars

Here’s another reason not to steal something fast: you never know when you’ll crest a hill, or round a bend, only to find traffic stopped across all three lanes. Now that there’s no such thing as speed enforcement, stacking a stolen 911 Turbo S into a Toyota Avalon seems like a really stupid way to die. If you’re going to go hammer down on a stretch of road, be sure to do a little recon first.

Stock Up On Road Food

Fresh food won’t last long when the lights go out, so stock up on road food like beef jerky and Clif bars as soon as you can. This stuff never goes bad, regardless of any printed expiration dates. Stock up on drinks, too, since it won’t take long for fresh water to be in short supply. Your first instinct may be to grab that 12 pack of Budweiser, but you’re better off stocking up on bottled water and Gatorade first. Besides, why settle for Bud when Hacker Pschorr Oktoberfest is now the same price?

There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Ammo Or Too Much Coffee

Post rapture, do you really think that cash, or even gold, will have much value? On the other hand, coffee, cigarettes and ammunition will be the new currencies, and I wouldn’t count on anyone taking credit cards. Whatever ride you decide on, make sure it’s got room for plenty of ammo, and always travel with something to barter. Also, it’s helpful to remember that bullets deflect up through auto glass, so always keep your head down in a motorized firefight.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you that stealing is illegal, as is looting and the types of general mayhem referenced above. If Saturday really is the end of the world (and I’m betting it won’t be), then no one will care if you follow this advice. If it isn’t, then let me remind you that this post is for entertainment purposes only, and in no way is meant to encourage illegal activities.

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10 Responses

  1. James says:

    thanks for this useful post now I’ll know what to do if and or when the rapture comes

    • Kurt Ernst says:

      We’re here to help, and just remember that the rapture is a casual affair. No shirt, no shoes – no problem.

  2. I don’t watch the news at all, I only watch Netflix and I had no idea that the end of the world was coming until I read this post. As long as I have internet service then I’ll be ok. I’ll just lock myself at home and surf and watch Netflix. Maybe I’ll get a day off if there is too much chaos.

  3. BigRuss says:

    you guys make me feel better bout the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse and the Rapture

  4. PFULMTL says:

    I only have 100 rounds for the handgun and about 40 rounds for the .223 at the moment. Not gonna last :(
    Maybe I should try to stock up on a bunch of .22LR boxes since they are cheap. I’ve been meaning to pick up a 22LR pistol or rifle anyway.

    • Kurt Ernst says:

      I’m still well stocked from the great ammo shortage of 2008. If you’re looking for a .22 pistol, I’d recommend the Browning Buckmark. I love mine, and it’s by far the most entertaining pistol that I own to shoot.

      • PFULMTL says:

        Have you played or heard about a game called Metro 2033? In that game you do use ammo as currency. When I played the game, I would find so much of the small caliber rounds and I’d just sell those for larger cailber ones to kill things easier. But in that game we aren’t fighting with people, but with monsters (The Dark Ones), so I’m not sure if it’s the same thing.

  5. inthebuff says:

    Two words: Twinkies and Bourbon.

  6. J D Stadler says:

    Oh good, I finally have a valid reason to, ahem, acquire a Raptor. We’ve got a .22, a .38, and a .9 with plenty of ammo between them. Now I just have to loot Costco for the road food and I’ll be good to go.