Indeed, it’s time again for another spine-tingling, blood-curdling edition of DEATH WISH, the series where we explain our morbid fascination with improbably dangerous and fun looking vehicles of all shapes, colors, and creeds. Last week we looked at an intimidating amphibian, but this week the stakes just got a lot higher: today’s DEATH WISH contestant is French! And there’s no Maginot Line to protect you from its fury!
Today’s Implement of Destruction: the Lomax-Citroen 223
Here’s an idea. Take a French car with an anemic two-cylinder engine. Remove one of its rear wheels. Chop off the top. And sell it as a sportscar. We’re not sure why Bernie Madoff didn’t invest heavily in this extremely lucrative scheme, but fear not, one of these limited-production
aberrations charmers is on eBay as we speak, ready for its next owner to terrify small children and the elderly with its intensely Gallic nature. It’s the Lomax-Citroen, and yes, it’s based on a lowly 2CV (deux chevaux vapeur, roughly, “rated at 2 HP for tax purposes” … alternatively, “wouldn’t you rather just have two horses?”).
Speaking of Gallic, doesn’t it take some gall to pass this off as an environmentally-friendly proposition? The eBay seller notes that his Lomax-Citroen is capable of up to 57 mpg. Well, let me tell you something: when you find yourself being punted by a big rig into the next county, just consider it hypermiling, as you are converting the free kinetic energy delivered to you by the cataclysmic blow into some infinite-MPG travel. How’s that for green? (Of course, we doubt your blood is green, so unless you’re a Vulcan, the area around where you land will probably be red.)
Of course, by hacking up the body of a 2CV into something that from a distance looks sporty (say, 130 miles), you’re creating one of those situations where you’ll want to do something dangerous with it. In this case, the danger stems just from driving it – its throbbing 602cc engine would definitely not outrun anything. Merge at your own risk, and hope your passengers aren’t armed. In some states, you’re within your rights to use deadly force to prevent immanent death or severe bodily injury, so your passenger might be able to shoot you for just taking them on a drive.
Regardless, the fundamental thing we haven’t dealt with yet is that the Lomax only has THREE WHEELS. We agree with Lomax that four wheels is just too much traction. Who needs a larger contact patch? That’s just a bunch of malarkey invented by the tire industry to sell you an extra tire! It’s all a giant conspiracy, and this Lomax will make a statement that you’re not going to have the wool pulled over your eyes … at least, unless the paramedics use wool body bags these days.
Just like a great horror movie franchise, we’re going to keep bringing you the most frightful vehicles we can find on the internet, so check back frequently for more thrills and chills!