I jest, of course. The footage above was actually captured by an Australian citizen’s personal home security system, though the driver of the vehicle that caused the collision was indeed inebriated.

But for creative illustration purposes, it might as well have been me behind the wheel of that green little hatchback [[hiccups, takes swig from flask hidden in desk drawer]].

Meet The Beckers
Episode 3 Raising The Stakes

Part 3 of Audi’s snarky new adverts, Meet The Beckers, has finally hit the interwebs and like the two videos that preceded it, it’s pretty damn funny. Audi’s characterization of Mercedes, BMW, and Lexus owners is absolutely dead-on-balls accurate (it’s an industry term), and some of the below-the-belt jabs are so subtle, you’ll miss them if you aren’t paying attention. Personally, Episode 2: Getting The Bird, wins my nomination as the funniest of the trio - if I had a dime for every Billy Becker that tried to pick me up, I’d be eating stir-fried bald eagle off of 24k gold flatware right now.

If you didn’t get a chance to catch the first two installments of Meet The Beckers, I would highly recommend doing so before watching Episode 3. Hit the jump for episodes 1 & 2

Photo by JuiceBox

In Eastleigh, England, 40-year-old Darren Redding shut down traffic for two hours on each side of the busy M3 bridge after apparently responding negatively to 24 cans of lager. Police initially became involved when Redding was spotted casually strolling through traffic wearing a traffic cone on his head, which is widely regarded to be one of the five clear indications that a person is under the heavy influence of at least one behavior-altering substance. When police attempted to approach Redding, he immediately became one of those irritating doomsday drunks, threatening to hurl himself off the bridge if they ventured any further.

Closed-circuit television footage from a security camera mounted in the lot of a Volkswagen dealership filmed the unfortunate result of a poorly maintained eighteen wheeler with improperly greased bearings. First seen in the distance hurtling off the expressway, the enormous, smoking tire bounced through the dealership parking lot before slamming into a parked car.

Seen later off camera: two understandably startled salesman discreetly changing their undergarments.

Source: LiveLeak.com

In Trans Mara, Africa, paramilitary officers from the Kenyian General Service Unit were surprised recently when the occupants of a luxury SUV that had broken down in front of unit headquarters refused police assistance. After the occupants fled the scene on foot, the Trans Mara police proceeded to inspect the vehicle and through the course of the search, they became a little less startled by the passengers’ behavior. Apparently, the abandoned SUV was loaded with approximately $20,000 worth of marijuana, a fact that the Trans Mara police did not find in itself to be incredibly startling. ‘When the occupants refused assistance and fled, officers became suspicious and searched the vehicle,’ Trans Mara police chief Joshua Omukata told The Standard Paper.

“Who will govern the governors? There is only one force in the nation that can be depended upon to keep the government pure and the governors honest, and that is the people themselves. They alone, if well informed, are capable of preventing the corruption of power, and of restoring the nation to its rightful course if it should go astray. They alone are the safest depository of the ultimate powers of government”
- Thomas Jefferson

As you may or may not be aware, the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution contains an exception to the unreasonable search and seizure laws. It allows invasive searches at border checkpoints that wouldn’t be allowed anywhere else. It’s always been that way…but here comes the scary part: federal statute 8 CFR 287.1 (a)(1-3) defines the border zone as actually encompassing an area within 100 miles inland of the actual border, with the possibility of extending it further under certain circumstances. This zone has become known as the “Constitution-Free Zone”

Ok, you’re thinking, “100 miles, that’s not that bad… the US is a big country, we have plenty of space, right?” Wrong. That 100 mile extension puts nine of the top 10 largest metropolitan areas completely inside the Constitution-Free Zone. More than that, 12 states are completely within the zone: Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Hawaii, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island and Vermont. In California, 99.73% of all residents are living in the Constitution-Free Zone; more than that, 2/3rds of all US citizens are living in the zone, and at any time they can be deprived of their Constitutional rights.

A federal judge ruled today that NYC can’t force taxi operators to switch to hybrid technology. The city has over 13,000 yellow taxicabs. Nearly 1,500 of them are already hybrids because their owners decided, because of market pressures instead of government pressures, to use hybrids.

The rule that NYC was trying to enforce would have required all taxicabs coming into service achieve a fuel-efficiency city rating of 25 miles per gallon or higher, rising to 30 m.p.g. by Oct. 1, 2009. The Crown Vic, workhorse of the taxi fleet, gets 13 mpg.

Yesterday, a Swedish court ruled that a 49-year-old woman’s severe case of diarrhea did not constitute valid cause for violating the speed limit. Clocked doing 53 mph in a 43 mph zone, the women explained to the officer who initiated the traffic stop that she was forced to exceed the speed limit due to her unfortunate digestive problems. Although federal law does allow the speed limit to be broken in cases of emergency, events that constitute an “emergency” are strictly limited to those that endanger a person’s life or involve a serious a crime.

In celebration of the Philadelphia Phillies’ World Series victory Wednesday night, the city of brotherly love will be hosting a parade through Center City. A flatbed truck carrying the hero’s themselves will snake through Philly at noon today, and the parade route will stretch from 20th and Market Streets, around City Hall, and down Broad Street before finally ending with an hour-long celebration at Citizens Bank Park. In anticipation of the astronomically large concentration of fans that will attend the parade as well as the impending chaos bound to be cause by the fact that many liquor stores have chosen to remain open for business, city officials have encouraged people to abandon their personal vehicles in favor of transportation. As a result, SEPTA will most likely be stretched to maximum capacity, and many mass transit workers are currently polishing their personal firearms as we speak.

More pics after the jump

Question: Why don’t women need driver’s licenses?
Answer: Because there’s no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen.

No really, the vast majority of women should not be allowed to drive.