For those of you elitists with things like a “steady job” and “benefits,” you probably received a hefty Christmas bonus with your paycheck last month. The wisest move would be to invest it, but ask yourself this: can a high-yield savings account scale a vertical wall? Of course not, which means your most logical course of action would be to scour eBay high and low for the most impractical (and possibly by that very quality, totally badass) purchase. Since it was an excruciatingly slow news day, I took the liberty of doing it for you.

As a bittersweet farewell to one of the most tumultuous years in automotive history, RideLust presents to you a re-cap of all the biggest industry events in 2009…and a few that slipped in under editorial bias.

Rick Wagoner, Bob Nardelli, and Alan Mulally spent weeks feigning humility and destitution in three piece Brooks Brothers suits in an attempt to wrangle a billion-dollar loan from an apparently benevolent Uncle Sam. Eventually, the government acquiesced and agreed to bail out both General Motors and Chrysler so as not to interrupt their steady production of poorly built, aesthetically unappealing vehicles.

Stunt double Ben Collins outed himself as Top Gear’s infamous masked driver, The Stig, potentially blowing the sweetest gig on planet Earth. Rather than kill him off, Top Gear attempted to counter the rumors by fingering (::snicker::) legendary racer Michael Schumacher as The Stig. Gearheads in America with an Internet connection that’s too slow to cope with downloading the weekly BBC broadcast still don’t give a rat’s ass.

There was some sort of F1 scandal involving Renault intentionally throwing the Singapore Gran Prix, but we were too immersed in our rally obsession to care. Just Google it or something.

As per their plan to cut costs and pretend to pay back taxpayers, GM made the logical decision to axe one of the only remaining brands that consumers still cared about, Pontiac. Shortly after the announcement, rumors began to circulate that the late John DeLorean’s company was interested in purchasing the rights to produce the Pontiac Solstice. The idea, much like the DMC-12, was short lived.

Drawing heavily from the blatantly phallic styling of the Ambiguously Gay Duo’s car, Porsche released it’s first 4-door sedan, the Panamera.

Launched by TARDEC (U.S. Army’s Tank Automotive Research, Development and Engineering Center) in 2008, the FED’s (Fuel Efficient Ground Vehicle Demonstrator) primary objective has been to prepare the armed forces for the 21st century by staying ahead of alternatively-powered military vehicles. Taking their first serious step towards achieving that goal, the FED announced today the contracting of technology and engineering firm, Ricardo Inc., to spearhead the development of new light tactical vehicles. While perhaps news to civilian ears, the agreement actually represents phase two of Ricardo’s collaborative effort with TARDEC that is expected to materialize their conceptual visions of fuel-efficient combat machines.

“The FED project leverages Ricardo’s experience and success in supporting the development of a broad range of military vehicles over several years,” explained Paul Luskin, Ricardo’s chief program engineer for FED and vehicle engineering manager. “In particular, TARDEC has recognized Ricardo’s role on the Future Tactical Truck System (FTTS), in which we successfully implemented advanced technology into an innovative vehicle architecture.”

After sweeping the title of Motor Trend’s 2009 SUV of the Year, it stands to reason that the 2010 MY lesbian moving van Subaru Forester would be worth getting my hands on for a quick spin. The larger result of my findings were surprising to say the least, and not necessarily of the pleasant variety, but it should probably be mentioned that the brevity of my experience prevented a more in-depth analysis. With only two hours to evaluate the Forester’s handling and objectively critique its performance, while the conclusions based here are fair they might differ with a longer stint behind the wheel.

That having been said, first and most notable on the list of the Forester’s unexpected features was the its odd penchant for heating up like an Easy Bake Oven. On a breezy 60 degree fall day in the Northeast while traveling at a brisk 45 mph with all four windows rolled down, one would not expect to break a sweat, but that’s nevertheless what happened. By the time I coasted into the one area in New Jersey picturesque enough for snapping a few photos (read: not cluttered with radioactive waste and/or strip malls), I was as flushed as if I’d jogged there. Maybe it was the thrashing given to the engine in sport shift (which is the automatic tranny’s only redeeming feature) and the resulting immense amount of heat the engine was giving off, or maybe it was the copious amount of glass coupled with glaring sunlight that quickly lent itself to the ant-under-a-microscope feeling – who knows. Whatever it was, not even the AC set on low could counteract it.

Surprisingly enough considering the quality issues plaguing its parent company, Chrysler, the 2010 Jeep Patriot managed to walk away from the unforgiving Texas Auto Writers Association (TAWA) with top honors as the official Compact SUV of Texas. “The TAWA Truck Rodeo is the most comprehensive evaluation of new trucks and SUVs in the country,” explained TAWA President Harold Gunn, “Manufacturers consider it a great honor to win their category.” As well they should, since the only two things that come of Texas are trucks and socially awkward jokes…but we digress, yet again.

More than a just a quick jaunt through a patch of overgrowth, the two-day tests which the various candidates are subjected to are designed to test the limits of their off-road capability and separate the true SUVs from the grocery-getting city slickers. “This is certainly an honor for Jeep,” said Michael Manley, President and Chief Executive Officer – Jeep Brand, Chrysler Group LLC. “We’re proud the Patriot proved its off-road prowess at the Texas Truck Rodeo. The Trail Rated® Jeep Patriot 4×4 is hands down the most capable and affordable SUV in the compact segment.”

Thanks to our dutiful following of VolvoXC60 on Twitter, we learned today that Rolling Strength’s revolutionary new crossover has made the list of finalists for Motor Trend’s 2010 SUV of the Year award. Of course to be fair, the XC60 was neither engineered or marketed as an SUV, but the majority of Motor Trend’s other finalists weren’t either. Given the current market and auto maker’s eagerness to distance themselves from the often negative stigma attached to SUVs, however, MT would be hard pressed to assemble a similarly lengthy list if limiting the criteria to only those vehicles explicitly billed as SUVs. Thus, the one aspect all the candidates have in common is ride height, multi-function capability, and an all wheel drive train.

Apparently, the bad luck is no longer limited to Japanese cars. This morning, Ford announced they will be issuing a recall for some 4.5 million vehicles over a fire-prone cruise control switch. The switch, which is manufactured by the geek demi gods at Texas Instruments, is responsible for deactivating the cruise control function and has been shown to malfunction in rather serious ways. According to the recall, the switches may spring an internal leak that immediately erupts in smoking and/or burning, and in some instances the problem has resulted in brake fluid leaking into the ABS, also causing fires. To rectify the problem, dealers have been instructed to install a fused wiring harness and in some vehicles, replace the ABS module.

CHENGDU, CHINA – OCTOBER 10: A staff member works in a Hummer store on October 10, 2009 in Chengdu of Sichuan Province, China.

Following the announcement on Friday that GM had finalized the sale of HUMMER to Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co., new reports from Sichaun’s home turf in China are claiming the sale is still very much tentative. According to China’s Ministry of Commerce, Sichuan’s acquisition must receive official approval from the related regulatory commission before the terms of the deal may be finalized and as of this morning, Sichuan had yet to submit the necessary paperwork.

At one time the thought of GM auctioning off HUMMER for anything less than a billion would have been a mildly amusing joke, but circumstances have changed and The General is desperate. According to reports, the long negotiated sale of HUMMER to China’s Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co. is expected to be finalized within the next 24 hours to the tune of a paltry $150 million. This is significantly less then the $500 million plus resale value GM CEO Fritz Hendersen conservatively estimated for HUMMER last year, but experts suspect that the recent Saturn/Penske failure may have GM anxious to wrap up the deal, even if it comes at a loss.

Comrades, if you think the Jeep started the SUV craze, you’re wrong. It was in fact the glorious people’s GAZ M-72. While the Jeep was indeed a popular 4WD vehicle, it wasn’t until the Grand Wagoneer came around in 1963 that the United States fully embraced the full-on SUV bodystyle. But in this particular arms race, we were behind the Ruskies, who’d created this trucklet behind the iron curtain by stripping down a GAZ “Pobeda” (“Victory”) car shell, and grafting it onto a GAZ-69 military 4WD truck chassis.