It’s stuff like this that really burns me. Virginia is known to be one of, if not the toughest state in the country when it comes to speeding. Now it seems that because the state has a budget deficit of $2.2 billion they’re trying to use motorists to bail them out. My favorite part of this mess is that our tax dollars helped fund this by paying the overtime to the Troopers with a federal grant.

The state issued a total of 7,016 tickets to motorists over the two-day blitz. With the majority of them being speeding tickets. If you got nailed doing 10 to 15 mph over the speed limit, your fine was classified as “Reckless Driving” and came with a “GO F*CK YOURSELF” fine of $2500… ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The entire state should be embarrassed by this…

Source: egmcartech.com

I’d like to preface this blog by saying that anyone who follows what I am about to say will have my full support. For those of you who don’t know, I am a New York native. I was born in lower Manhattan, grew up in Brooklyn and have lived all over the boroughs. Most people have preconceived notions about what it’s really like to live in and or around the big city, but in reality they have no idea. New York is a tough place, it wears you down and makes you hard. Living space is not measured in acreage here, it’s measured in square feet with a population density so tight that the borough of Queens could kick the shit out of the state of Rhode Island.

Living here means co-existing in close quarters. Parking is on the street and if you have a driveway or garage then you hang on to them like they’re gold bars. I happen to have both, but unfortunately my driveway is shared with the house next door. My neighbors are dirty, rude and inconsiderate. Truthfully I’d like to simply nuke them off the block but since most people would frown on a having a tactical nuke in such close proximity to them I needed another plan. As of late I have been compiling a list of devious, underhanded and lets face it, downright dirty pranks that should push my filthy neighbors over the automotive edge. I know others out there share my pain which is why this step by step list is being made available to the general public.

• Step 1: Identify your opponent

This is a key element that will help you succeed when trying to wreak havoc. First make sure you have the right car (this is key). Then observe and learn their automotive habits so when the moment comes to strike you are ready.

• Step 2: Determine the severity of the payback that you wish to deliver.

I know you’d like to simply blow your neighbors clean off the block, but lets face it, doing that will get you thrown in prison. We can however make their lives hell on earth. What you need to do is quantify the amount of payback you wish to deliver and the way in which to go about delivering it.

• Step 3 – ROCK-n-ROLL!!

The following is a list of A, B & C-class paybacks that will do nothing but annoy the ever-loving crap out of your intended target.

A-CLASS
Project FWAP, FWAP!!

Take a piece of duct tape about 40 inches long and fold it over on itself repeatedly. Make sure, and this is important, that you leave 4-6 inches of the sticky side exposed. Once folded, proceed to stick the tape to the inside wall of one of the rear tires. Then sit back and watch as the victim drives away. Almost immediately they will hear FWAP, FWAP, FWAP, FWAP, FWAP, FWAP in the rear and think something is wrong. One stop will ensue, then another and another until the sound drives them crazy. Since the tape is hidden I can almost guarantee it will take them multiple stops and a lot of searching before they figure it out.

*** You can also achieve the same amount of frustration by taking multiple zip-ties and securing them to the drive shaft of the vehicle. This is tougher though as you must crawl under the car to do so. The payoff however has a longer shelf life.

Operation Super-stank

This one is quick and easy but you must have access to the interior of the vehicle. Go to your local fish market and purchase 3 fresh little neck clams to work as your allies. When the opportunity presents itself take your little buddies and place them strategically inside the victims interior. Utilize any spaces under the dash, the seats and or in the storage compartments. Keep in mind that this is a time-release payback that won’t grant you immediate gratification. I guarantee however that after a few weeks the smell in that sucker will be worse than the stank in a sumo wrestlers unda’ pants.

*** Operation Super-stank can also be achieved by putting 2 fresh flounder fillets inside of each hubcap if the car is so equipped. This works especially well if the intended garages their ride.

The Love Monkey

Another quick and easy one that works great if the guy is married or in a relationship. Take one pair of panties and place them under the driver’s side windshield wiper of the partners car with a note that simply says; “_____, I Miss You”.

B-CLASS
Sit and Spin

For rear wheel drive cars: Take one floor jack and proceed to raise the rear wheels about ¼” off the ground. Now insert some 2×4s or whatever you have available under the rear axle so the vehicle still appears to be sitting normally. The driver will get in and proceed to go from forward to reverse while being dumbfounded as to why they aren’t moving. This is a good one, just try to make sure they don’t rock themselves off the blocks and run into a busload of nuns.

Parking boot the f*cker…

There is no special tactic here… just boot the bastard and be gone.

The Back-up Plan

Rag the tailpipe – this one is simple. Go find a nice greasy rag and stick it in the tailpipe of the offenders whip, then sit back and watch the sputtering and backfiring take place. They won’t know WTF is going on with this one.

C-CLASS
Assignment Lockout.

So now you’re at wits end. You’ve tried everything and nothings worked so it’s time to kick it up a notch. Grab one tube of JB Weld, mix appropriately and proceed to dab some on each of the cars door locks. Once this stuff hardens they won’t be getting back in unless they have a jackhammer.

Operation Flat Spot

Flat tires are never fun… especially when you have four of them. Remove all the valve stem cores and leave those pricks stranded. You can pick up a valve stem removal tool at any auto parts store. This prank will cost you $4.95 and leave you laughing all day long.

Up in Smoke

This one is great and will totally make those chumps next store think they blew a head gasket. Simply dump a little transmission fluid in the fuel tank and wait for the fun to begin. This is in no way lethal to the car, but it will make that Mutha’ F*cker smoke like a California forest fire.

So there you have it. A big ole’ list of how to get back at crappy neighbors, annoying employees or just people that you can’t flippin’ stand.

Despite RideLust’s blatant and ardent affection for Volvo, it is with solemn respect that this grim story is approached. I jest, of course.

As many are well aware, Saab’s dysfunctional, 21-year relationship with General Motors has taken an even more tumultuous turn as of late thanks to Koenigsegg’s abrupt resignation from the purchase procedure and The General’s subsequent decision to wind down operations. Since GM’s announcement that Saab would be grounded for eternity (aviation reference, get it? No? Philistines), Dutch supercar maker Spyker has expressed a renewed interest in acquiring the brand and is currently GM’s preferred bidder, but the future still looks bleak. For some undisclosed reason, GM has managed to sour literally every potential sale that they’ve entertained and at this point, Saab is about as likely to escape their death sentence as Ed Whitacre is to grow a pair of large, supple breasts.

In protest of this eventuality, Saab owners across the globe were called to rally in front of GM’s headquarters in Detroit in a show of support for the ailing Swedish subsidiary. The result was mediocre at best. Based purely on reports and the handful of rather depressing photos, a total of maybe 30 Saab fans turned out to show their support, indicating that many owners have taken a page from Volvo loyalists’ book and already come to terms with the unpleasant reality.

Spyker is expected to formally submit their bid by Friday, January 7, 2010, and as per tradition, Saab will likely be dead by the following week. On the bright side, this means Geely has less competition for their Volvo-badged crap traps.

Source: Boston Globe
Image cred: AP Photo

Despite the glimmer of hope provided by the CAW’s acceptance of similar modifications over the weekend, the UAW hasn’t proven nearly as accommodating of the concessions Ford has requested to its labor agreement. The new initiatives, which were approved by an 83% vote in Canada, were largely aimed at reducing labor costs and, ipso facto, the necessity of layoffs. Under the new plan, employees would have seen a reduction in paid vacation time, a widespread wage freeze, and restrictions on their rights to strike. Thereby freed of a significant amount of the financial burden currently weighing them down, Ford promised growth and a corresponding increase in job security.

Unfortunately, the UAW proved unwilling to part with their notoriously generous benefits and rejected the new deal in a 75% opposing vote. Ford is justifiably unhappy with the decision.

“We appreciate the UAW leadership for working with us to reach a tentative agreement on further modifications to our national labor agreement. Ford is disappointed that the additional changes were not ratified,” said Joe Hinrichs, group vice president, Global Manufacturing and Labor Affairs, Ford Motor Company in a statement.

Continued Hinrichs, “All of us at Ford are absolutely committed to continuing to make progress on our transformation plan, and we will take the necessary steps to be competitive with the best in the business. Moving forward, we will work with the UAW to discuss the next steps to ensure Ford remains competitive so we can continue to make product commitments and invest in our manufacturing facilities here in the United States.”

Source: Ford
Image Cred: AP Photo

Earlier this month, the Swedish government announced their tentative decision to guarantee the $585 million European Investment Loan Saab was seeking in order to survive. Claiming to be wary of playing favorites, the mouthpiece for the Swedish Industry Minister Maud Olofsson placed heavy emphasis on the uncertain terms of the agreement, stressing the proposal was still subject to ethical approval. Apparently, whichever committee charged with making such a moral decision decided that the Swedish governing body personally guaranteeing hundreds of millions worth of dollars for Saab was in no way blatantly unfair to any other domestic automakers experiencing similar cash flow problems.

Conversely, Sweden’s possible political misstep means that the jet-bred auto firm is safe from the clutches of ill-meaning foreign manufacturers, with the notable exception of BAIC’s purchase of the Saab 9-5’s intellectual and design rights. Volvo, on the other hand, is apparently still up for grabs.

Source: LeftLaneNews
Image Cred: Reuters Pictures

Late yesterday evening, reports broke that the Swedish government had agreed to guarantee Saab’s request for a $585 million European Investment Bank loan apparently needed to secure Koenigsegg’s tentative bid for acquisition. Today, a spokeswoman for Swedish Industry Minister Maud Olofsson stressed that although the government has tentatively approved the disbursement of funds, the transaction will not be final until it receives official approval from the EIB. Off the record, the deal is regarded as good as done and the Swedish government’s only real hurdle is making sure that fellow Swedish manufacturer Volvo doesn’t feel as though they’re getting the shaft – which barring any new developments is exactly what’s happening.

Regardless of how thin the guise however, the Swedish government is still clinging to diplomatic procedure and says the decision to approve the loan now rests squarely with the EIB who will hopefully make a decision by October 21st. If the transaction is approved, expect an official announcement to follow soon thereafter regarding a similar grant for Volvo.

Source: Auto News
Image Cred: Getty Images

Image: egmcartech.com

As you might expect, Saturn dealers are none too happy that Penske backed out of buying Saturn after being unable to secure a commitment from an unnamed foreign manufacturer to provide cars for rebadging. That means unless new money is thrown down the hole into the marquee, 350 Saturn dealerships and (according to a Saturn dealer group) 13,000 jobs will be lost. All they need, according to those same Saturn dealers, is a $250 million cash infusion from Obama’s American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (better known as “the Bailout”).

The dealers also claim that the investment will pay off through preserved tax revenue. I’m no economist, but investing a quarter billion dollars in a cast-off automaker with no source of new cars after GM stops production at the end of this year seems like an iffy bet. Which sucks for the workers, who don’t deserve to be pawns in this little game, but they should be angry at GM and not Penske for bungling the whole thing so badly in the first place. In any event, don’t expect to see a Saturn bailout anytime soon.

Press Release

$250 Million Will Save Saturn, 13,000 Jobs

Since its inception in 1990, the Saturn brand, with its no-hassle pricing philosophy, has made more than 3.4 million sales to legions of loyal customers. Ingersoll concluded: “While the stunning turn of events last week has many asking why, my retailer partners and I are asking why not? Shouldn’t we leverage resources from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act to finalize the deal with PAG and save 13,000 jobs?”

[Source: Todd Ingersoll, Saturn of Connecticut]

It’s been a rough week for Toyota. The giant automaker has been slapped with a restraining order by a Texas judge to prevent the company from potentially destroying any information about an alleged spate of rollover accidents. The plaintiff in the case, Dimitrios Biller, alleges that there is “a Watergate style cover-up underway at Toyota to undermine the American legal system.” Biller claims that Toyota has been conspiring to conceal evidence about the relative safety of their vehicles, and might destroy the documentation. If the allegations are true, Toyota might be in the midst of another safety-related fiasco, especially in light of the “floormat inferno” scandal raging at the moment. Is Toyota engaged in nefarious doings, or is it just so large now that it’s an easy target for frivolous suits? More and a press release from Biller’s attorney below.

Of course, we’re dealing with the American legal system here, and more often than not a blustery request for a restraining order like this is used to strong-arm some leverage in the case, and to try and shake loose some documents that the plaintiff would not normally be able to simply ask for. And it’s also a media ploy, to bring attention to the issue, and that makes it worth reporting about – especially if the allegations turn out to be true. It’s worth noting that the simple fact that Biller was awarded the restraining order doesn’t mean that it was in response to a crack team of Toyota attorneys shredding anything in site, so you can’t conclude based on that alone that Toyota is guilty of any impropriety. However, it can’t be ruled out. It’ll be interesting to see what come out in court (although it’s more likely that a settlement will be reached out of court and we won’t ever know what really happened). Yay lawyers!

Press Release

Court Orders Toyota Not to Destroy Vehicle Safety Evidence

Tracy points out that Toyota continues to try to stop Biller from publicizing information about Toyota’s lawsuits. “Toyota characterizes Mr. Biller’s disturbing revelations as company trade secrets that shouldn’t see the light of day. I’m now confident that this Temporary Restraining Order puts us on the road to getting Toyota to tell the truth to its accident victims.”

GM’s announcement that they’re closing the Pontiac (the city, not the defunct brand, in Michigan) truck plant after 37 years puts a big fat “!” at the end of news that truck sales have fallen off to their lowest point since Reagan was in office. High margin pickup trucks were the bread-n-butter of Detroit’s strategy since car buyers defected to the Japanese in the ’80s and ’90s, making up 15% of all light passenger vehicles being sold. That percentage has now dropped to 10% of the market, and unless something drastic happens those numbers are expected to slide further.

The bottom line is that the customer demographics are shifting; it’s professionals like contractors and construction workers who are becoming the bulk of the buyers, rather than the daily-driver “lifestyle” suburban buyers that flocked to conspicuously consume big trucks in the past 15 years. Case in point, the Cadillac Escalade EXT pictured above – completely worthless as a work truck, it’s all “lifestyle” all the time. And that’s why sales of the EXT have dropped off of a cliff, from a high of 13,000 units in 2002 to the insignificant 4,700 units sold last year. The days of cheap gas (and the attendant gas-powered toys) are over, at least for now, and it looks like the biggest casualty will be domestic automakers’ bottom lines.

In a few short weeks, General Motors is expected to finalize the whoring out sale of HUMMER LLC to China-based Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co. If the deal receives the required approval from the Chinese regulatory commission, Sichuan has earmarked $9.4 million to fund the construction of a new U.S. headquarters to be built in either Detroit or the Detroit suburb of Auburn Hills. When the final location is selected and the facility is opened for business, the Michigan Economic Growth Authority estimates it will create some 300 jobs for the community and in return for the anticipated economic stimulation, Michigan is preparing to greet Sichuan with the mother of all welcome wagons.

Although an official decision has yet to be made, Michigan board members have confirmed that they are very seriously considering issuing a hefty tax credit for Hummer’s new HQ. If approved, the credit would pay Sichuan $20.6 million over the next 10 years and considerably reduce the staggering costs Sichuan will incur while equipping Detroit employees with the necessary assault weapons.

UPDATE 9/22/09 2:42PM: The Michigan Economic Growth Authority has approved the $20.6 million tax credit.

Source: AutoNews