RideLust

You order a bedroom set for your son, but when it arrives, the mattress you thought would be included in the deal is missing. What do you do? If you’re Robert Caton of Hampshire, UK, you guzzle two bottles of cheap whiskey, hop in your ‘83 Rolls-Royce, and plow through the store in a drunken, poorly conceived rampage. Oh, and not on the first try either – he made two unsuccessful attempts to raze the store before finally succeeding in careening the Roller through the window, causing roughly $100,000 worth of damage. Read More…

Save the poor, defenseless cars!

At least a dozen cars have been set ablaze in San Francisco over the last few days, a city where few residents actually have garages to hide their cars. SF is notorious for having many more cars than parking spots, and residents have already been getting the shaft lately as SF steps up parking enforcement due to the economic downturn. Now, on top of the scarcity of parking and the cost of frequent tickets, your car might get torched. Lovely!

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Sixty-seven year old Charlie Bruener and his wife Donna were driving down US-27 in Alexandria, Kentucky, when they say they were cut off by 82 year old Beecher Davis. Unfortunately for the Bruener’s, they would soon find out that Mr. Davis is the most ornery old man in the great state of Kentucky.

According to the Charlie Bruener, Mr. Davis followed them down US-27 until they pulled over in a Walmart parking lot, at which point Mrs. Bruener called 911. Mr. Davis then revealed his well earned title of “Most Ornery Octogenarian in Kentucky” by getting out of his van and approaching the Bruener’s car huffing and puffing mightily.

Read on for the conclusion:
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In Frederick, Maryland, 22-year old deadbeat Robert Jenifer was arrested by police after several officers observed him heave a cinder block through the windshield of a cruiser parked outside the station. Apparently aware that vandalizing a police vehicle in plain sight of several armed police officers is usually a good way to ensure you’ll get caught, Jenifer admitted to the authorities that he committed the crime because he was “tired of having no food or home.” Obviously abandoning the renegade concept of “getting a job,” Jenifer elected to seek shelter at the local county jail where the police were more than happy to accommodate him. Read More…

At Memphis International Airport, a bicycle sporting a sticker reading “This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb” parked outside of Terminal C was spotted by an airline pilot and reported to the authorities under suspicion of terrorist activity. After evacuating the area and summoning the K-9 unit to investigate for explosives, police determined that the bike was not an explosive, but, rather, just another counter-culture punk rock band attempting to be edgy and unique. According to reports, “This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb” is an underground band based in Pensacola, Florida, whose stickers have caused similar bomb scares at college campuses and public buildings across the U.S. Read More…

Apparently even Santa isn’t immune from the long, revenue collecting arm of the New York City traffic police. On Black Friday, retired teacher and community organizer Chip Cafiero was delivering toys to kids in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn dressed as Santa Claus, when one of the cars in his Santa convoy was issued a $115 dollar ticket for being double parked.

Cafiero was actually was riding a horse-drawn carriage, handing out toys and candy canes to area children. The vehicle that was ticketed was a Chevy Suburban that held the toys and protected the horse from traffic.

Cafiero said “The kids started crying: ‘That’s Santa’s car! That’s Santa’s car!’ But this grinch just went ahead and fined me anyways. Talk about a complete lack of Christmas spirit. I stood up and yelled, ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ real loud to get her attention, but she just looked at me and scanned my car.”

An NYPD spokesman refused to comment.
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A study recently published by the Highway Data Loss Institute of the Insurance Institute of Highway Safety (motto: “We Order Everything In Tan”) found that nine of the 10 vehicles most highly coveted by Americans are produced by Detroit. Of course, by “10 vehicles most highly coveted by Americans”, I mean “10 vehicles most frequently stolen by Americans,” but I digress.

The list, which only covers vehicles from the 2005-2007 model years, determines a vehicle’s ranking based on the number of theft claims per thousand vehicles insured. Who claimed the number one spot? Read More…

In Fountain Valley, California, an 18-year-old girl with no valid driver’s license on file crashed her friend’s 1993 white Toyota Camry through the storefront of a local 7Eleven. According to Sgt. Eric Orahood of the Fountain Valley Police, “Somebody hit the gas instead of the brake and jumped the sidewalk and ran into the store.” Adding his two cents, said Daniel Zhao, the owner of the Zoe Acupuncture & Herbs Center near the 7-11, said, “I feel sorry for the driver.” Zhao’s empathy coupled with Sgt. Orahood’s downplay of the events indicate that the chick was probably hot, but regardless of what she looked like, she was still a dumbshit. The only time you ever confuse the brake pedal and the accelerator is when you’re either a.) FOB, or b.) still feeling the affects of the acid you dropped at your friend’s techno rave/gangbang last night. Read More…

In Austin, Texas, a 28-year-old man suspected to be under the heavy influence of an illicit substance – possibly PCP – began terrorizing a local parking lot on Sunday. Responding to reports of two men righting near Sam Rayburn drive, police officers found the 28-year-old completely nude, jumping up and down on the roofs of parked cars. According to surprisingly unfazed witnessed the scene, the man was most likely a dope fiend who had been refused a fix by his local dealer. Explained neighbor and eye witness, Martha Gonzalez, “He just wanted dope. He was just trippin’ because the guy didn’t want to give him none.” Added a bemused Gonzalez, “He was like butt-naked…He didn’t have nothing, no underwear, nothing, just going off.” Read More…

Imagine your beloved, high-performance Audi S4 is jacked up and the wheels are stolen. Anger, sadness, but it’s not the end of the world. Then, five days later, while waiting for the new rims and tires to arrive, the city Department of Public Works decides to come out and drag your wheel-less beloved onto a flatbed tow truck and take it to an impound lot downtown, causing extensive damage.

That’s the load of bureaucratic BS Chris Thompson and her husband Mike had to deal with during the Thanksgiving holiday. “They dragged the car with a cinder block underneath it,” said Thompson. “It made me sick.”

“They couldn’t of run our tags, they couldn’t of found us?,” said Thompson. “They didn’t try anything.”

On top of all that, an official with DPW gave Mr. and Mrs. Thompson a $250 ticket because the car was deemed ‘too dangerous to be on public space’. “I was practically in tears when I got handed $250 ticket, I had to pay $120 at the impound for a car that was already vandalized,” said Thompson. Watch the video of the newscast here.
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