The two most important parts of a car are generally the most neglected. First and foremost are the tires. Seriously, most people could give a shit what kind of rubber they put on their rides even though they fail to realize that tires are what keeps them on the straight and narrow. The second thing is their oil. Now granted the old adage of changing your oil every 3,000 miles doesn’t really apply on today’s cars as they’re usually good for around 5k per change. However I know some people who haven’t changed their oil in 15,000-20,000 miles!! People that’s like the equivalent of eating a stick of butter and a pound bacon everyday and thinking that your heart is not going to eventually explode. Oil is the lifeblood of any car and to ensure your rides longevity it must be tended too regularly. I know the most I’ve gone is about 8,000 miles, but what about you guys… what are your thoughts. Are you still in the 3,000 mile club or do you simply not give a shit and change it once every 2 years…

Hat tip: VWVortex.com

Ford's Mustang Customizer website. Image: Ford Motor Company

If you’re a Mustang fan, don’t click on Ford’s absurdly addicting Mustang Customizer Website unless you have some serious time to kill. The site lets you build your own Mustang, in V6, GT, Boss 302 or Shelby GT500 trims, changing a surprising number of external appearance items. Want a custom color, not in the Ford catalog? No problem, just mix your own. Want a Mustang GT with a Boss 302 grill and Shelby wheels? it’s just a click of the mouse away.

When you’ve built up your unique and one-of-a-kind Mustang, complete the graphics and striping, you can upload it to Facebook and compete against other Mustang fans who’ve done the same thing. You won’t win any actual prizes (and I seriously doubt Chip Foose or Jack Roush will be calling with a job offer), but you’ll get to earn bragging rights on the coolest virtual Mustang. For what that’s worth.

If you’re serious about building a one-of-a-kind Mustang, and have a really big budget to work with, Ford will even provide you with a PDF listing part numbers and vendors. All the parts shown in the customizer are available for Ford or aftermarket vendors, so you really can build a one-of-a-kind Mustang, just like the one you’ve created online.

Source: Ford

Ouch. Image: Paulo Ordoveza

If you’re like most Americans, chances are good you’re heading out on the roads over the Memorial Day weekend. Oddly enough, gas prices seem to be coming down instead of taking their usual skyward trend on the first weekend of the summer vacation season. That may be a good sign, but gas is still damn expensive; in fact, it’s doubled in price since 2009, and I’d be willing to bet that most of our incomes haven’t kept pace. Short of trading in your current ride for something more fuel efficient, what can you do to reduce your gas bill as much as possible? Below are five tips that can save you money at the pump.

Tune Up Your Car

A properly tuned car gets better fuel economy than one with spent spark plugs and a dirty air filter. Checking your air filter should take you less than 10 minutes, and if you can’t remember the last time you replaced it you’re probably overdue. Ditto for spark plugs; the manufacturer may claim that they’ll last for 60,000 miles, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll work optimally towards the end of their life. Also, keep an eye on any dramatic changes to your car’s fuel economy. Increased fuel consumption could be something as simple as a stuck thermostat, which is (usually) easy and inexpensive to repair.

Use A/C On The Highway, Not Around Town

Above 45 miles per hour or so (depending on the car), it’s more efficient to use your car’s air conditioning system than it is to drive with the windows open, thanks to wind resistance caused by the open windows. Below 40 miles per hour, drag is reduced and it’s more fuel efficient to drive with the windows down. Also, realize that electrical draw uses fuel since the alternator is powered from the engine. The less accessories you have on, the better your fuel economy will be (although, admittedly, we’re probably talking about a few more feet per gallon, not miles per gallon).

Squeeze The Throttle And Brakes

If you take a high-performance driving school, one of the first things you’ll learn is “squeeze the throttle and brakes”. Mashing the pedals causes abrupt changes in vehicle stability at speed, and that’s rarely a good thing on a racetrack. It’s not a good thing on the roads, either, since you’ll get the best fuel economy by accelerating slowly, coasting when you can and braking gently, well in advance of stopped traffic. Just like racing a Mazda Miata, getting good gas mileage is all about preserving momentum.

Lighten Up

How much crap do you carry around in your car that you don’t really need? That D-cell Maglight that you keep under your seat for protection won’t help if you run into a guy who knows how to fight, so you might as well replace it with something lighter. Do you need to carry a quart of oil in your trunk, or that lug wrench that you haven’t used in five years? Not only is a lighter car better on gas, but it’s also faster, so you can think of cleaning out your car as getting free horsepower.

Use The Correct Grade Of Gasoline

If your car requires premium gas, or even recommends it, you’ll get better fuel economy (and better performance) by using premium over regular. Will it offset the difference in price between regular gas and premium gas? I can’t say, because the cost savings is likely to be car dependent. I look at it this way: the engineers who built your engine had specific performance goals in mind, and achieving them requires a particular grade of gas. If you can’t afford to put premium gas in the tank, then you shouldn’t buy a car that requires it.

Also, feel free to ignore the myths about only buying gasoline in the morning, when temperatures are cooler. Gasoline is kept in underground storage tanks, which maintain a relatively constant temperature throughout the day. Fill up when you need gas, but I’d still bypass a station getting a fuel delivery. I know most pumps use filters, but why run the risk of getting fuel-filter-clogging sediment in your tank if you can avoid it?

Image: Jay Leno's Garage

One of the biggest challenges faced by backyard car restorers is paint. Good paint jobs cost serious money, which is fine if you’re restoring a high dollar ride, but what about those of us with more modest tastes, like a 1972 Ford Pinto? The car is easy enough to wrench on, but even the though of a same-color respray gives me a cold sweat since I don’t have access to a spray booth or sterile environment. There’s not much of a market for restored Pintos, so farming out for a pro-quality paint job is a money-losing proposition. If I were building a race car that would soon be trading paint anyway, I could probably do a passable job in the garage with an airbrush and a compressor. If I actually wanted to sell the car, the only cost effective option would be to do the prep work myself, then trust Maaco or Earl Schieb (“Any car, any color, just $99.95!”) for the paint. Yikes. As this episode of Jay Leno’s Garage shows you, 3M has a few solutions of interest to backyard car restorers everywhere.

Painting a car is still hard work, and there’s plenty that can go wrong. Still, if you’re careful with your prep work and clean up, the tools and chemicals shown should allow you to achieve a better than average result in your own garage. How you sell you wife on the idea of painting a car in the house, however, is your own problem.

Source: Jay Leno’s Garage

Lexus' CT 200h, number 2 on the list. Image: Toyota

These days, gas prices are on everyone’s mind. Upheaval in the Middle East is likely to keep prices high for some time to come; given that prices always go up at Easter and again at Memorial Day, the only question is whether or not prices will come down significantly in between. If they do, perhaps the memories of $4 per gallon gas will fade in time. If they don’t, we could be longing for the good old days of cheap, $4 per gallon gas as soon as this summer. If you’re shopping for a new car, I can almost guarantee that fuel economy is one of the factors driving your new car purchase. TrueCar, a new car pricing website, wants to help. They’ve compiled a list of cars based on fuel efficiency, and unlike others that I’ve seen, it even projects operating cost based on 15,000 miles per year and $5.00 per gallon gas. Want to know what your best choices are? Read on.

As you’d guess, the list is heavily weighted with hybrid vehicles, and only one fermented-dinosaur-only car made the top 10. A tip of the hat goes to Hyundai’s Elantra, which we’ve already told you is a very good choice for a fuel efficient commuter. Here are the top 10 cars, along with TrueCar’s estimate on what it’ll cost to feed them $5.00 per gallon gas for the 15,000 miles per year:

1. Toyota Prius, 49.6 combined MPG, $1,512
2. Lexus CT 200h, 41.6 combined MPG, $1,803
3. Honda Insight, 41.3 combined MPG, $1,816
4. Honda Civic Hybrid, 41.3 combined MPG, $1,816
5. Lincoln MKZ Hybrid, 38.6 combined MPG, $1,944
6. Chevrolet Volt, 37.1 combined MPG, $2,022
7. Lexus HS 250h, 34.5 combined MPG, $2,171
8. Honda CR-Z, 33.4 combined MPG, $2,243
9. Hyundai Elantra, 33.2 combined MPG, $2,266
10. Toyota Camry Hybrid, 32.7 combined MPG, $2,295

Source: TrueCar Blog

My dog possesses a remarkable talent – the ability to projectile vomit. I’d put him up against any grade schooler or member of GWAR in terms of quantity, color and surprise factor. My dog will do it at any time most inconvenient for me – while I’m eating dinner, when I’m walking him past a school bus full of kids stopped at a red light, on my pillow at 3 a.m. – you name it. I’m a conscientious dog owner and had the vet check him out numerous times, and there’s never anything wrong with him. Normal dogs vomit every now and then – he just does so like the Bellagio fountains.

As car rides are one of my dog’s hallowed activities, I was rather concerned that the back of my WRX would wind up looking like a frat house bathroom. My car has cloth seats and although my dog will happily “clean up” after himself, his vomit leaves stains and odors that linger. Additionally, as those of us with cloth seats know, dog hair sticks to cloth like Velcro, which is particularly annoying for me as my dog is white and the interior of my car is black. Suffice it to say, after my dog enjoyed a few trips in the WRX, I did some research on preventative measures, which I detail below.  Please note that these are my own recommendations and I did not receive any compensation from the manufacturers listed.

To protect your car’s fabrics from vomit, slobber and any other fluids, my first suggestion is to spray down the interior fabrics with a water-repellent solution. I personally use 303 High-Tech Fabric Guard, which was recommended on a number of detailing forums for potential high mess situations.  Often used for waterproofing and protecting convertible tops, this spray adds a coat to fabrics that causes liquids to bead on impact – making it easy to wipe up a mess. Pick a nice, sunny day to do this and leave your windows open to facilitate the drying process. Make sure your car is immaculate before you spray, and test the solution first on a small area for color fastness before applying it to your entire car. The spray should be reapplied every few months for maximum protection.

I picked up a set of floor liners from Weathertech that were specially fitted to my car. I wanted the floor of my car to be as protected as possible from not only dog vomit, but road salt, mud, sand, and spilled coffee. The floor liners completely cover the floor of the car, preventing all of the above from making any contact. I also noticed that the stock fabric mats collected vast amounts of dog hair, requiring almost daily vacuuming to avoid eyesore status. The floor liners resulted in a definite improvement in dog hair accumulation. All-weather/rubber mats should also do the trick. Just make sure to empty out your mats regularly to keep the car spotless.

Another suggestion is a decent car seat cover. A good, waterproof, seat cover will keep your seats dry, and mostly dirt and hair-free. In my opinion, the best kind looks like a hammock as it stretches from the back of the front seats to the back of the rear seats.

I’ve used the versions that only cover the back seat, from the headrest to the bottom of the seat, and I don’t recommend them as they don’t protect the floor area. The usual places where I check for dog accessories were charging up to $100 for hammock covers, but I found this $14 cover on Amazon which I’ve been using for almost 2 years. It’s waterproof and extremely durable. My dog is about 35 lbs, but if you have a heavier dog, or multiple dogs, the straps holding it in place may need to be replaced with something sturdier – an easy task for anyone with a basic knowledge of sewing.  But if you own a Clifford-sized dog, you may want to check out a site like Orvis, which sells premium, but very sturdy canine travel accessories.  The cover I have has saved the WRX many times and without a doubt is the best $14 I’ve ever spent.

When he’s good, I let him drive home.

My suggestions will get your car much cleaner, but mess is inevitable. Nothing will completely dog-proof your car, save leaving your best friend at home, and you don’t want to do that.  To keep your car consistently clean, you will have to do some regular maintenance. Keep a bottle of upholstery cleaner (I like the 303 Cleaner and Spot Remover for upholstery), glass cleaner and some paper towels in the trunk. I bought a pack of lint rollers from a warehouse club and keep one in the trunk and one in the glove compartment (note – 3M sells a “Fur Fighter” product which I’ve tried, but it’s not as effective as a lint roller nor is it particularly cheap). I also store a few bottles of water in the trunk for emergencies, which have also come in handy for cleaning muddy paws and unexpected interior disasters.

If your car gets stinky, a little Febreze spray will get the smell out, but you shouldn’t have that problem as long as you shake out the seat cover once a week, hose it off when necessary, and do a little preventative vacuuming of hair and dander. As long as hair isn’t deeply embedded in the fabric, a standard car vacuum/dustbuster will be sufficient to remove it. If hair does get trapped in the fabric, I find that this static hair remover from Meguiars works wonders at dislodging hair. But if your car looks like a hair tornado just whipped through it, and you don’t have an outlet in your garage for a hose-equipped home vacuum, your best bet is to use a gas station vacuum. With a few bucks in quarters, you will get everything out.

Luckily, I have never experienced anything worse than dog hair and puke in my car (which, thankfully, did not make seat contact thanks to my hammock cover).  But for those who have seen the abyss, wet/dry vacuum cleaners may be a good investment.  At my old apartment, I had white, wall-to-wall carpeting, and one terrible evening, I got home from work to a canine diarrhea disaster.  I drove to a home goods store in a panic and picked up a Bissell SpotBot, which got all of the of the stains and smells out.  That device is a godsend.  If your car has a cloth interior and you seriously think that you will be encountering especially vile liquid messes, look into a deep cleaning, wet/dry vacuum cleaner. There are such vacuums sold specifically for cars, but I think even a regular one would be extremely helpful if you have access to an outlet.  If all else fails, of course, call a detailer.

I hope you find these tips useful. At the very least, a seat cover, fabric guard spray, and regular vacuuming will further harmonious dog and human coexistence.  Feel free to make any suggestions of your own – as every day brings a new mess, I know that your fellow dog-owners will appreciate them.

Can I get that with a six speed and the 3.73 rear?

One of life’s great joys is a good meal, enjoyed in the company of friends. Likewise, I’d rank an epic cross-country-road trip, or a run up a winding mountain road, in the same category, but only if you have the right car. Jumping back to the food analogy for a second, you wouldn’t serve caramelized onions over ice cream, just as you wouldn’t want an Olds Vista Cruiser for your run up Mulholland or a Lotus Elise for a haul from New York to LA. This got me thinking that cars really do have their equivalent in food, so below are five cars and the food that represents them. Am I right, or have I just made you hungry?

Toyota Camry = Boiled White Rice

There’s nothing wrong with boiled white rice, and you can live on it for a long, long time if you prefer a bland diet. Likewise, there’s noting wrong with the Toyota Camy, but to the driving enthusiast it’s a soul-less appliance, with all the taste appeal of boiled rice. Hold the soy sauce, please, because that would be too spicy.

Ford Mustang GT = Meatloaf

Image: Ford Motor Company

Let’s face it: the modern muscle car is the equivalent of comfort food, and nothing defines comfort food better than meatloaf. Having a bad day? Meatloaf, or a few hammer-down sprints from a traffic light in a Mustang GT will set you right. If you’re a bow-tie guy, the same could easily be said about the Camaro; like the Mustang (or meatloaf), you know it’s not good for you long term, but sometimes you just need a big plate of the stuff anyway.

Mazda Miata = Sushi

Most people I know who claim to hate sushi (which is a broad category of both raw and cooked food on rice) have never actually tried sushi; likewise, most people who deride the Miata as a “chick car” have never experienced the joy of a corner taken at speeds that seem to defy physics, or of a properly rev-matched downshift with the wind in your hair. In both cases, if the unwilling would just give it a chance, there’d be a lot more sushi bars with Miatas parked in front of them.

Cadillac Escalade = Ribeye Steak

Image: © GM Corp.

I love steak, but I’d be the first to tell you that it’s bad for both your health and the environment. Cows eat a lot, take up a considerable amount of land and produce copious amounts of waste (including climate-changing methane). Likewise, Cadillac’s big SUV is a single-digit salute to environmentalists everywhere, but it’s big and obscenely comfortable and a rolling testament to testosterone. In the food world, it’s the equivalent of a two-inch thick ribeye steak, cooked medium-rare and smothered with mushrooms fried in butter. You know that sooner or later it’ll destroy your world, but at the dinner table or behind the wheel, it’s awfully hard to care.

Nissan Leaf = Falafel

Falafel, if you’ve never had it, is the middle-eastern equivalent of a hot dog. It consists of meal made from chickpeas and spices, rolled into balls and tossed into the deep fryer. Typically, it’s served in a pita with shredded lettuce and a yogurt based sauce. Like the Leaf, you can convince yourself that eating a falafel is better for you than the alternative. Also like the Leaf, that may not be the case: just as the Leaf uses electricity that’s likely produced from a coal-fired power plant, a falafel is high in sodium and deep fried in oil. Strangely enough, both produce range anxiety; eat a falafel, and you’ll be hungry again a lot sooner than you expected.

So what cars and foods did I miss? Am I right or wrong on the ones I called?

One way to keep your car safe. Image: Ihasahotdog.com

According to the latest data from the National Insurance Crime Bureau, you’re more likely to have a car stolen on New Year’s Day than on any other holiday, and New Year’s Day even trumps the average daily theft rate. The NICB just released their latest analysis of car theft rates in 2008 and 2009, and it includes a handy breakdown of theft rates per holiday. In 2009, an average of 2,276 vehicles were stolen per day in the U.S. On holidays, the theft rates were:

- New Year’s Day, 2,760 vehicles stolen
- Halloween, 2,325 vehicles stolen
- Independence Day, 2,207 vehicles stolen
- Memorial Day, 2,207 vehicles stolen
- President’s Day, 2,204 vehicles stolen
- Labor Day, 2,202 vehicles stolen
- New Year’s Eve, 2,189 vehicles stolen
- Valentine’s Day, 2,090 vehicles stolen
- Christmas Eve, 1,851 vehicles stolen
- Thanksgiving, 1,620 vehicles stolen
- Christmas Day, 1,336 vehicles stolen

I’m not really sure what you can read into this, except “don’t leave your keys in the car when you come home less than sober from a New Year’s Eve or Halloween party.” Also, you should remember to take the keys out of your car when you’re partying with friends and family on July 4th or Memorial Day.

The good news is that thefts declined from a daily average of 2,650 in 2008 to 2,276 in 2009, a reduction of nearly 15%. The highest number of 2009 thefts occurred on June 1, when 2,847 vehicles were reported stolen; the lowest number of thefts occurred on Christmas Day 2009.

Source: NICB, via Autoevolution

Back in the stone ages of motoring, cars came with real instrumentation, typically including a tachometer (to measure engine speed), a speedometer (to measure road speed), a voltage gauge or an ammeter (to measure voltage or current to the battery), an oil pressure gauge, an oil temperature gauge, fuel gauge and a coolant temperature gauge. Over the years, car makers realized two things: it was cheaper to replace functional gauges with idiot lights, and people actually paid more attention to idiot lights than they did gauges. Thus was born the modern instrument panel, which now typically includes a speedometer, a fuel gauge and (maybe) a temperature gauge and tachometer. All of the other critical information your car can display to you is now done via the driver information display or via idiot lights.

When a dash warning light comes on, it always signals trouble. Sometimes this is serious, pull to the side of the road NOW stuff, while other times it’s get-around-to-having-it-looked-at-next-week stuff. If you’re reading car blogs, chances are good you already know this; however, you’d be surprised at the number of drivers who have no clue what a particular warning light indicates. Below I’ll try to give you an example of the more common ones, along with my take on how serious the situation is. If you remember nothing else, remember this: automakers typically code warning lights either red or yellow. If you see a red light, it’s a good idea to pull to the side of the road as quick as you can safely do so. A yellow light typically signifies a problem as well, but one you can address after you get home.

Red Warning Lights

Oil Pressure

Typically represented by a stylized oil can, this is the mother of all warning lights. If you see the low oil pressure light come on, stop the car as soon as you safely can. Most oil pressure warning lights don’t even trip until the engine is already being damaged, so if this light comes on don’t even think about driving the car until you check and replenish the lost oil.

Coolant Temperature

Typically represented by the word “TEMP” or a stylized thermometer, this is another warning light that demands your immediate attention. You car will soon begin to overheat, if it isn’t doing so already, probably because your engine coolant level is low. Stop the car as soon as you can safely do so and check the coolant level in the external reservoir. DO NOT attempt to open the radiator cap, unless a face full of steam and scalding water is your idea of a good time.

Brake

Typically represented by the word “BRAKE”, this usually means one of two things: either you forgot to release the parking brake and are enjoying the smell of burning brake pads, or your brake fluid level is low. On a modern vehicle, that’s a pretty unusual situation unless your brake pads are completely worn out or you’ve got a leak in your hydraulic system. If it were me, I’d limp the car home but give myself more braking distance since I’d expect pedal effort to increase as I continued to drive. If you’re not comfortable driving with reduced braking ability, I’d seriously encourage you to pull to the side of the road and have your car towed.

Battery

Typically represented by a battery symbol, this means your charging system isn’t working properly. It may also mean you’re living on borrowed time, as your car will be drawing down the voltage in your battery without replenishing it. If your close to home (less than 30 minutes) and you’ve got a battery less than 3 years old, go for it. If you’re hours away from home and the battery is ancient, you won’t be going too far.

Yellow Warning Lights

Check Engine

Typically represented by a stylized engine, this light signals that you’ve got some kind of trouble with your engine’s emission control systems. It may be as simple as a loose gas cap, or as complicated as a defective oxygen sensor. Most modern cars have a “limp home” mode that allow you to drive at reduced power; in a worst case scenario, you’ll just take longer getting home than planned. Get this checked out as soon as you can, but don’t let it stop you from driving home.

Tire Pressure

Usually represented by a cross section of tire with an exclamation point in the center, this light means that one of your tires is low. Some newer cars have an information display that will tell you which tire is low. Less well-equipped vehicles (like my FJ Cruiser) require you to check each tire to find the one down on pressure. If I were behind the wheel, I’d stop and check my tire pressure as soon as possible, starting with my spare tire (assuming you have a full size spare equipped with a pressure sensor). Since I carry a plug repair kit and compressor with me, I’d inspect the low pressure tire for punctures, repair, re-inflate and be on my way.

Traction / Stability Control

Typically, this light shows a car with skid marks behind it. If the light is on, your stability control isn’t working: verify that you haven’t turned the system off by accident, and proceed with caution.

ABS System

Represented by the letters “ABS” in a circle surrounded by brackets, this light means that your ABS system isn’t working as intended. It may be something as simple as a blocked sensor, or it may mean mechanical damage to the ABS system itself. I’ve driven a lot of cars without ABS, so this wouldn’t cause me much concern; as long as the red “Brake” light isn’t on, you should have reasonable braking ability (though without the anti-lock feature).

Remember that this is a general summary, and that your car and circumstances may vary. When in doubt about your car’s safety (or your ability to drive a damaged car) always err on the side of caution and pull over when it’s safe to do so.

I’ve driven in most of the 50 states over the past few decades, as well as quite a few foreign countries. American drivers are tragically bad compared to the Germans or Japanese, but our sense of self-preservation makes us more skilled than the French or Brazilians. One thing is clear when you travel around the United States, though: there are more cars on the road every single year, and the ability of people to drive cars seems to decline with each passing month.

This used to drive me crazy, but I think I’ve finally found a way to stay sane and make money at the same time. Instead of fighting something I’ll never be able to change, what if I offered training on how to be a bad driver? Most people have a natural talent, which can be honed to tragic proportions with just a little bit of effort. I’m working on my curriculum and pricing now (and don’t worry, I’ll offer a 10% discount for RideLust readers), but here’s a brief overview of some of the topics we’ll cover in class. After all, if you can’t beat them, charge them for a diploma.

Lesson One: Never Use Turn Signals

If you use it, you lose your strategic advantage.

Ask any ninja, and they’ll tell you the same thing: never communicate your intentions. The same holds true for driving, so why telegraph your intentions with a directional signal. Instead, just stop short and turn whenever you feel like it. Changing lanes? Just force yourself in, since most other drivers won’t force you off the road and into a tree. As an advanced strategy, we’ll cover how to leave your turn signal on and frustrate other motorists for hours.

Lesson Two: Yielding Is For The Weak

Do so and you admit weakness.

See that guy passing you? He’s going to try and cut in front of you unless you slam the door on him. Denying him the space in front of you will fill you with immense personal satisfaction; after all, he wanted something and you took it away from him. As an added benefit, you’ll get to where you’re going 3/1000 of a second sooner, and we all know that time is money.

Lesson Three: Come To A Complete Stop When Turning

When cornering, he should be faster than you are.

Do you really want to piss off that three mile line of traffic that’s built up behind you? Slow to no more than one mile per hour before making your turn. Don’t forget to block the lane first, otherwise traffic will accelerate around you. If it’s raining, slow down even more, because everyone knows that turning with any amount of speed in the rain just isn’t safe. Once you master the basics, we’ll cover advanced topics like turning right from the left lane and turning left from the right lane: even if you’re not driving a tractor trailer, it never hurts to practice those big rig skills.

Lesson Four: It’s Fun To Brake Check Other Drivers

Ah, the perfect opportunity for brake checking.

Think someone is following too closely, or if you just want to have some fun, why not brake check them? You know, slow suddenly and for no reason other than annoying the car behind you? Sure, you could just yield the lane, but that wouldn’t show Mr.-Flashing-His-High-Beams who’s boss, now would it? Bonus points are awarded, posthumously, for brake checking tractor trailers, especially those carrying hazardous cargo.

Lesson Five: The Cell Phone Makes You A Better Driver

'You wouldn't believe how many cars I've got stacked up...'

See those drivers doing 45 in a 70 mile per hour zone, clogging the fast lane while they talk to their BFF about who won last night’s “Dancing With America’s Next Top Apprentice”? Do you think they woke up one day with the ability to ignore everything around them? Hell no, it took years of training for them to get that oblivious. We’ll give you pointers on ignoring insults, single digit salutes, molotov cocktails and the occasional automatic weapons fire (Los Angeles and Miami classes, only).

Lesson Six: If My Car Runs, It’s Safe To Drive

These tires are barely broken in, not worn out.

You know all that safety propaganda you hear about changing tires when they’re bald or replacing brake pads when they wear out? You know that’s just a military industrial complex conspiracy to get you to spend money, right? We’ll teach you how to drive on bald tires (with protruding steel cords in winter classes) and how to brake when you’re down to the metal brake pad backing against your rotors. We’ll also teach you how to ignore brake light failure, headlight failure, low oil pressure and overheating. As long as your radio works, your car is just fine.

Lesson Seven: Using Other Drivers As Rolling Chicanes

Where's the challenge in speeding here?

Let’s face it, no one has enough time to pay attention to speed limits anymore, and how often do people really get pulled over, anyway? We’ll teach you how to use the highway as your own personal slalom course, which will make commuting fun again. Topics include passing on the shoulder, passing in the median, passing on the right and how not to launch you 80s muscle car into a bridge abutment.

Lesson Eight: You’ve Got High Beams, So Use Them

Who cares if you blind oncoming drivers?

Do you really care what other drivers think? So what if you blind them with your always-on high beams; it’s not your problem if they can’t drive with their eyes closed. Besides, you paid good money for HID lighting, and it’s your God-given right as an American to use every feature that came on your car. In advanced classes, we’ll teach you how to aim high beams to fry the retinas of oncoming drivers.

I’m probably missing a few lessons, so feel free to hit me up with ideas. Classes will be filling up quick, so be sure to make your reservation in advance. You’ll need to bring your own car, plus your own assault rifle and ammunition in Los Angeles or Miami.

I’d also like to give a shout out to my buddy Corey, whose “Make Someone’s Day Easier: Use Your Turn Signal” piece gave me the idea for this story. Which, incidentally, is tongue in cheek and not to be taken literally. It’s called sarcasm, so spare me the hate mail.