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Cars of the Candidates: Who Drives What?

Posted in Cadillac, Celebrity Cars, Chevrolet, Chrysler, Ford, Politics by Vito Rispo | August 7th, 2008 | 24 Responses |

With the most important election of our lives closing in quickly, we have to take time to reflect on the facts, to set aside the emotions and rhetoric, and get to the very core of the issues. The most important issue of all, obviously, being what cars these men of power choose to drive.

A note: I despise politicians to my very core. Politics is a game of pandering and lying and using the resources stolen from the many to help the very few who can afford lobbyists. It’s disgusting, but you have to vote for one of the major candidates, right? You wouldn’t want to throw your vote away, right? Ugh.

Anyway, let’s get this over with, here are the cars that these plastic ambition-bots drive:

The Chrysler 300C, Obama’s old car, before he got on the hybrid wave

Goldenboy, aka, the Manchurian Candidate, aka, Barack Obama used to drive a Chrysler 300C, which is actually a respectable choice. It’s a nice car, powerful, good looking, etc. But he made a speech back on May 7th chastising Detroit for failing to anticipate rising oil prices. It included this little tidbit: “While foreign competitors were investing in more fuel-efficient technology for their vehicles, American automakers were spending their time investing in bigger, faster cars. The auto industry is on a path that is unacceptable and unsustainable. And America must take action to make it right.”

The Ford Escape Hybrid, darling of the politicos

Unfortunately, when someone pointed out that he actually drives a bigger, faster, gas guzzling V8 beast, he promptly threw away the 300C and switched to a Ford Escape Hybrid, which is to politics what the Cadillac Escalade is to hip hop. Apparently Al Gore and John Edwards drive the Escape Hybrid too. I can almost picture the meeting where they decided on that car. “Ok, it’s American, it’s a hybrid, and yet, it’s big enough to say you’re strong, you’re no little Prius driver, you won’t fold to Iran, YOU CAN LEAD”. I can’t stress this enough. I hate politics.

As for the old snapping turtle himself, John McCain, he hobbles around in exactly what you’d think a 90 year old curmudgeonly war veteran hobbles around in, a Cadillac CTS sedan. An old man in a Cadillac? It’s almost too perfect, but it’s true. I bet he leaves his blinker on for hours at a time, just in solidarity with the rest of the very very old voters.

Get off my lawn, you damn kids!

Now, say what you will about Ron Paul, but he really was the only one that made any sort of logical sense. Granted, he has his kooky side, and he never had a chance, but the facts are still there, and there’s a reason that people with higher IQs are more likely to be libertarians. Because libertarianism is based on sound economics.

Whatever though, this is about cars, not about the nation of sheep that sets out every 4 years to pick between two colors and pretend like it matters. THIS IS ABOUT CARS. And Ron Paul drives a Buick. All anyone could get out of him was this nondescript quote when asked what he drives: “a Buick while in Washington and a second-hand Lincoln car and Ford truck back home.” That’s all he told anyone, you know why? Because he doesn’t want the gawrd’dang government all up in his business, tracking his car movements with their elec-tro-tronic sat-e-lites and what not. An interesting side note, Ron Paul also says he keeps a 1979 Chevette at home for “sentimental reasons.” I love you Ron.

If you’re wondering what Ralph Nader drives, he actually claims he doesn’t own a car; he just flies around on his broomstick powered by massive amounts of government regulation and virgin blood. It keeps him young. Little known fact: Nader is actually as old as time itself, he was created in the big bang as one of the major universal forces “Governmentium”. He’s the reason government always gets bigger, it’s a law of nature

Grrrrrr, Brains, must eat Brains

Also, Nader is a zombie.

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24 Responses

  1. noone@nowhere.com says:

    Dude, give Nader some respect… for someone who writes about cars, I would expect you to have some appreciation for Ralph.

    Learn some history and STFU.

  2. Me says:

    Oh come on – None of them ‘drive’ anything! They all are chauffeured around in massive GMC SUVS that have so much armor (and weight) they get sub-10mpg and require oversized reinforced gas tanks. The ‘car’ they supposedly drive is a ‘token’ that has about as much meaning as their lapel pins.

  3. Shawn says:

    WOW, angry much? Perhaps YOU should declare yourself for some local election, work your way up to the Presidency and change the whole world!

    What’s that? No? You would rather sit on the sidelines and throw firebombs at everyone else? You would rather talk about cars and hate on your country’s government? GOOD TIMES! VRRROOM VRRROOOM!!

  4. Marky Mark says:

    Although much of your blog came off as unearned punditry, I found your blog entertaining. One gold star!

  5. WillG says:

    I want to know who is going to drive the Hummer hybrid, and no, not the one the Governator drove, but the one found here: http://economicefficiency.blogspot.com/2008/07/hybrid-hummer-hums.html
    It gets 35 mpg and is an H1.

  6. Miguel says:

    Libertarianism is in no way,shape, or form based on “sound economics”. It’s based on the fantasies of the kind of people who think that “IQ” is a useful measurement of intellect.

  7. You neglected to mention Bob Barr. My money and my vote are going to Bob – the one that wants a smaller government – http://www.BobBarr2008.com

  8. zeeol says:

    McCain drives a Caddy with the tires at 12 psi.

  9. Krod says:

    good article. i loled

  10. jo hull says:

    I enjoy your writing style, witty and sharp, however, It’s not nice to poke fun at someone’s facial expressions, some one who has had a stroke. If one tries hard enough, one can accomplish taking a crappy photo of anyone. Do some research next time. Your observation on politics is spot-on.

  11. interwebs says:

    Nader is as old as time itself? CORNY man, just plain corny. The rest of the article is not very clever. Please give up.

  12. Stephen says:

    So, according to a study by libertarians, libertarians are smarter than everyone else. Hmmm.

  13. Nick says:

    You gotta love Ron Paul fanboys. But you are right Ron Paul did make sense as a candidate apart from his policies and ideas that are just totally insane. I wonder if Obama’s Chrysler was a 300C SRT? I know it’s probably too much to hope for though. I also enjoy how Ralph Nader was included in this post to swipe fun at him for being old (not like McCain or anything right) and for apparently being a zombie. Hey, news flash, zombies are freaking awesome!

  14. Ann Lewis says:

    Finally, a political article which expresses an honest and realistic point of view ! And thank-you for not blacking out Ron Paul. We love him, too.
    An American in Canada

  15. Jim McDosh says:

    Dude that was too cool, way too cool.


  16. Vito Rispo says:

    hey noone,

    What history should I learn? What has Nader done that has had a positive effect?

    The whole point of thinking economically is to see who benefits and who loses.

    When congress repealed the 55 mph federal speed limit law in 1995 Ralph Nader said “history will never forgive Congress for this assault on the sanctity of human life.”

    33 states raised their speed limits after the repeal, and the average fatality rate fell in those states.

    Meanwhile, Americans have saved some 200 million manhours in terms of less time spent on the road. The net economic benefit of raising the speed limit has been between $2 and $3 billion a year.
    This is an example of an “unintended consequences”. None of us are smart enough to realize all the contingencies, all the possible effects of every action, but free market capitalists just realize that unintended things happen when government gets involved, no matter how moral or good they think they’re being

    “If they don’t close these [nuclear] reactors down, we’ll have civil war in five years.” — Ralph Nader in 1977

    “The idea that Social Security is going to run out of money is simply nonsense. Panic fueled by opportunistic politicians and investment firms poses the only serious threat to the program.” – Ralph Nader 2000
    in fact Nader still holds that opinion and is adamantly opposed to any form of privitazation.

    He is a hardcore paternalistic statist, more than any other vocal public figure, he wants a nanny state. He is the most vocal socialist in the United States

    and how about his idea to invest billions into these public works labor programs. Have you heard of the “Broken Window Fallacy”? It goes like this: “Hey, the economy is bad, so lets go break all the windows downtown, that will jumpstart the economy because the window makers will get money, and construction guys will get money, and that money will filter out and be great!”. The problem is that its complete garbage. What you’ve just done is transfer money that could have been used for say, baby food, or a new car, or an investment in a new technology, and put it towards something that didn’t need to be done in the first place. And you’ve taken workers who could be doing something productive and made them rebuild and fix something you broke, you set them back. It always results in the net loss. Nader doesn’t understand this.

    “we should have an economy where one breadwinner can produce a middle class standard of living” – Ralph Nader

    …and he goes on to talk about how government can make that happen. He wants to raise the minimum wage drastically, to 10 dollars an hour. This is why Ron Paul supporters need to understand economics, why its absolutely essential.
    Heres the deal with the minimum wage. When you raise the minimum wage, unemployment among the poor shoots up, every time.
    Why? Think about it, every person is worth a certain amount to his employer, depending on his skills, say a person who can sweep and clean the floor is worth 7 dollars an hour to his current employer, and Nader wants a 10 dollar an hour min wage; that means the employer needs to pay that worker 3 dollars extra charity, by law. Now, charity is cool, its a great idea…but most employers are not in a position to just give out charity, they simply cannot afford to do it. Even if they can afford it, they’ll look for some other more economical way.

    So what is the result?
    The employer will fire or lay off the low skilled person, and hire people with more skills to replace the old worker. People who can sweep and clean and work the register for instance, all of those together are worth $10/hr to the employer. So they consolidate workers, lay people off, have less people overall working for them. Who loses? The poor classes and low skilled workers lose, the businesses lose because they can’t get people to do very low skill jobs, unless they hire illegal immigrants, which is a whole other issue that ties in. This is econ 101.

    This is why Walmart is lobbying to increase the minimum wage. Why would they do that? Why not just increase what they pay people, right? Because if there is a minimum wage law, they can guiltlessly lay off the bottom rung of their workforce and consolidate.

    -How about education? Well, first off, all studies have shown that the average cost per pupil for public schools is twice that of private schools. Private schools cost less, half as much, as public school, and give a better education. So, the system is broken, we can all agree on that. What does Nader want to do about it?

    “We call for equitable state and national funding of school education and the creation of schools controlled by parent-teacher governing bodies.”
    He wants more funding, more taxes, more government. Again.
    Across the board pay raises for public school teachers. So, in a free market, if something doesn’t work, if people don’t like it, it goes bankrupt and is automatically replaced by something that does work. Thats the basis of the invisible hand… isn’t that the exact opposite of what Nader wants to do? Something doesn’t work, so give it MORE money? Government monopoly schooling is a failure, so pay them more?

    -How about free trade?
    “The Case Against Free Trade: GATT, NAFTA and the Globalization of Corporate Power” by Ralph Nader
    He is vehemently anti-free trade.
    Another economic parable like the broken window fallacy is the Candlemakers petition, in which the candle makers of France go to the government and ask that they enact laws forcing people to block out the sun by closing shutters during the day, and putting up large walls. This would have the effect of increasing consumption of products: tallow, leading to the increased production of meat, wool, hides, etc; vegetable oil, leading to the increased production of poppies, olives, and rapeseed; resinous trees, leading to more bees, hence crop pollination; whale oil, leading to a larger merchant navy that would boost France’s prestige and standing.
    They argue, in this hilarious satire, that by blocking out the sun, the economy would benefit. Of course its complete garbage and it shows how absurd the anti-free trade movement is. Nader wants to essentially make laws blocking out cheaper, better products which have a net gain on our society because hes under the mistaken belief that it’ll help the economy. Hes wrong. Economists know hes wrong.

    -Ralph Nader wants a version of universal health care where every single person under 18, would have their health care paid for by taxpayers.

    -Ralph Nader strongly favors harsh gun control laws, and many insiders have said he wants to eventually push for the complete elimination of “private guns”, or guns in the hands of citizens

    -“I would keep the estate tax, number one.”
    The estate tax (aka, the death tax, which is 55% over a specified amount of everything a person owns including all property, equipment, life insurance, everything) is the most inefficient tax on the books in the US, upwards of 75% of it is wasted (ie, goes to the maintenance of the tax itself, paperwork, tax collectors). Its a punishment tax. It was designed in the era when socialists were influencing culture and people wanted a way to stop wealth accumulation.
    The ironic part is that the wealthiest people in the US can easily avoid the tax using all sorts of financial methods, the people who get stuck with it are middle class business owners trying to pass on a legacy to their children. This tax destroys middle class family businesses and Nader is enthusiastic about it. Economists of all stripes hate this tax because it does nothing, the money is wasted.

    What am I missing? Enlighten me please, noone

  17. MI says:

    Nader sucks!

    I should probably go “learn some history!”

  18. Alan says:

    I’m so glad that some candidates drive their “green” cars out to the airport before they jump on their lear jets, it so much more fuel efficient

  19. Bruce A says:

    I love you. Finally, someone as cynical (read: who knows it’s all a farce) as I am! Of all the political coverage I’ve read this year (and I’ve tried to avoid it but ye flippin’ burgers it’s hard) this is THE single best article.

    Possibly the best political article ever. You deserve a Pulitzer, no kidding. Keep up the good work.

    @”noone” – Nader’s a whore. Any political credibility he might have had has been squandered.

  20. Jim says:

    You forgot Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party nominee.

  21. jazz says:

    I would give 2 % of my life quality to someone who passes a law which says that ALL politicians have to drive a car with a mechanism that goes into effect when its politician asshole owner causes the average quality of life to go down by 2 % or more, doesn’t matter in which way (because of a stupid law that gets passed by their party, they take up too much tv-time, whatfuckingever).

    The mechanism is as follows: the politician is driving along and the mechanism detects a drop in the average quality of life, fed by some wifi-internet device. Suddenly the alarm lights come on and through loud hidden external speakers the track Killing in the Name by Rage Against The Machine plays, the trunk pops open at the end of the song and shoots out a box filled with marshmallows for any bystanders. Then the car catches on fire and after about 5 minutes, explodes multiple times. The explosions continue for another 5 minutes after which everybody can sing Kumbaya and enjoy some nice marshmallows.

    Because that would give me back at least 5 % life quality. And I would thoroughly enjoy the marshmallows =)

  22. Joe says:

    DAMN! did noone stick a nerve? lol. wow. You totally unloaded on that guy. THAT was freakin’ awesome. hehe. keep it up.

  23. M@ says:

    Nader (seat) belts, Nader (air) bags… yeah, rip him all you want but he’s done the American consumer a world of service… these devices, along with non-chest-spearing steering columns would’ve never seen the light of day were it not for his efforts.

    Spend a little time educating yourself about Ralph and you’ll learn a lot about mass media and mass (car) market character assassination. GM actually paid a prostitute to try to entrap Ralph prior to his testimony before congress.

  24. NH4RonPaul says:

    I’m not sure what part of Ron Paul’s positions were insane? If we had him for president you’d not be in the pickle we’re in right now!