UK car blog Breakdown Cover recently posted a list of Jeremy Clarkson’s 10 Commandments. As is usually the case with the acerbic Brit, Americans aren’t the primary target of his humor, so I’ll translate wherever necessary. If you understand the whole British humor thing, and have some familiarity with UK pop culture, I encourage you to read Breakdown Cover’s explanations as well as my own.
1. Thou Shalt Not Walk Anywhere
Not too much to explain here, aside from the fact that Clarkson views walking, cycling and public transportation with equal disdain. If you CAN take a car somewhere, in the gospel according to Clarkson you MUST do so.
2. Thou Shalt Not Use The Devil’s Fluid
Diesel, to Clarkson, is the devil’s fluid. Cars fueled by diesel are too slow, too noisy and offensive to Clarkson’s delicate nose.
3. Thou Shalt Not Visit Norfolk
This is funny if you’re from the UK, but suffice it to say that Norfolk is located in the middle of nowhere, with precious few roads and filling stations. Ironically, it’s also the home to Lotus Cars; nonetheless, Clarkson advises you to avoid Norfolk unless you like “orgies and the ritual slaying of farmyard animals”. Sounds like a fun vacation to me.
4. Thou Shall Worship Bob Seger
Clarkson is a huge fan of Bob Seger and the Doobie Brothers, but don’t hold that against him. Going to Clarkson for musical advice would be like going to Charlie Sheen for advice on monogamy.
5. Thou Shalt Not Drive Front-Wheel Drive Cars
Like most old-school gearheads, Clarkson views “real” cars as having an engine in the front (or perhaps amidships) and drive wheels in the back. It’s worth noting that Clarkson still respects a select few front wheel drive cars, including the Peugeot 205 GTI, the VW Polo GTI and any contemporary Alfa Romeo.
6. Thou Shall Worship The Range Rover
Here’s some irony for you: Clarkson routinely pans American cars for having dodgy electronics, yet he reveres anything from Range Rover. Maybe it’s just me, but I associate electronic gremlins with Range Rover the same way I associate peanut butter with jelly, or hangovers with tequila.
7. Thou Shall Be As Offensive As Possible About Foreigners
It’s hard to say whether or not Clarkson is really xenophobic, but he certainly makes a good living riffing on other cultures. America, to Clarkson, is “the land of the brave and the home of the dim”, while his recent slam of Mexico nearly created an international incident. I’m not one to stereotype, myself, but take a look at Clarkson’s teeth sometime and ask yourself if Clarkson spent his younger years as a prisoner in a Siberian gulag.
8. Thou Shall Worship The Toyota Hilux
Owing a Toyota truck myself, I get this one. Not only did a Toyota pickup carry the Top Gear hosts to the North Pole (and later, up the side of an active volcano), but one from a used car lot survived Clarkson’s every effort to kill it. It now rests in a place of honor in the Top Gear studio.
9. Thou Shall Run A Dictatorship
Clarkson doesn’t take to losing challenges well, and commands total control of the Top Gear “Cool Wall”. Like a petulant five year old, you get the feeling that Clarkson sneaks into the studio after hours, just to position “Cool Wall” vehicles according to his own views. As long as Richard Hammond and James May draw a paycheck from Top Gear, I’m sure they don’t mind working under a dictator one bit.
10. Thou Must Hate Piers Morgan
Piers Morgan is a tabloid journalist who routinely attacks stars for their personal life. Morgan once published pictures of Clarkson kissing a woman other than his wife, and accused Clarkson of having a ghost writer pen his column in The Sun newspaper. Punching a tabloid journalist earns you a gold star in my book, so I’m down with this one as well.
Source: Breakdown Cover