Unintended acceleration. Unintended deceleration. Stability control instability. I bet you thought that was the worst of it. Well now there’s a new threat to drivers from Toyota: the threat of being asphyxiated alive by snakes.
A woman recently purchased a Toyota Camry from a used car dealership in Gonzales, LA. On Tuesday, she stopped to pick up fried chicken from a restaurant. When she opened up the box in her car, naturally, a hungry python crawled out from under a seat.
“I threw it in park and hauled tail and I did not look back. I’m running across the highway screaming, ‘There’s a snake in my car, there’s a snake in my car!'”
Evidently, she was about to feast on her fowl fare while driving as she left her car in the middle of a busy highway and ran screaming, barefoot across lanes of traffic, causing great consternation among the drivers of Gonzales.
People were slamming on their brakes left and right, she recalled. She almost hit the car in front of her and the car behind her nearly knocked her over
The dealership explained that a couple had attempted to buy the car a few weeks back, but returned it. And incidentally also reported their python missing. [WAFB Baton Rouge]
Ok, perhaps I am a driver “n00b” because I have never attempted to eat anything larger than a french fry while driving. And that only occurs if I am starving to the point of hallucination since I brutally slaughter anyone who consumes food in my car. I may not be an entirely neat person in other aspects of my life, but my car is hallowed ground. When a crumb touches its interior, a part of my soul dies and an angel vomits.
Despite my aversion to sullying my baby, even if I didn’t care about messes, eating fried chicken while driving is like asking me to drift a car while blindfolded through a slalom. It just can’t be done. It is a task better left for the pros or for people who couldn’t give a damn.
I had a friend in college who could pop whole chicken wings in his mouth and spit just the bones out. It took me a while to block out the nightmares after watching him eat, but I suppose one could successfully simultaneously drive and devour fried chicken by resorting to avian skeleton regurgitation. But have some self-respect – that’s absolutely vile. My friend never had a girlfriend in college so he didn’t care. I assume that, based on your good taste in autoblogs, RideLust readers get laid on a regular basis, so you’re well advised to heed my words.
I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest to you, dear readers, to be safe and leave the massively distracting foods for when you’re nowhere near a car. I’m betting that fried chicken may actually be more dangerous for drivers than pythons. And, more importantly, a hell of a lot messier.