So you’ve got some extra dough to throw around this holiday season, and you’ve been thinking that you might want to use it to reward your girl for how obedient she’s been lately. Traits like temerity and meekness are growing increasingly difficult to find these days, and if you don’t hook her with a decent gift every now and then, she might up and leave. If she splits, all that time and effort you spent training her will be for naught, and you’ll be faced with the daunting task of breaking in a new mare and to be honest, just the thought of that exhausts you. I mean lets face it, you’re not as young as you used to be, you just don’t have that kind energy anymore, you know?
Plus, the chick you’ve got now came stock with a superior talent for fellatio and the ability to open a beer bottle with nothing more than a belt buckle, and where do you think you’re ever going to find that again? So it would behoove you to hold onto her, and one of the best ways to do that is to feed her voracious womanly appetite for material possessions this Christmas.
Purses are always a good choice, women love to carry around $20,000 bags that are impossible to distinguish from the $20 bags available at Target. Diamonds are usually a safe bet too – you know what they say, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Keep in mind, though, that regardless of how expensive the gift is, there’s still a slight possibility that the relationship might not work out. And if she up and walks one day, whats to stop her from taking the new Marc Jacobs bag or the canary-yellow diamond bracelet with her? Then what? You’re out 30k-50k grand and you’ve got no bed warmer to show for it, that’s what. Sure, you could launch an aggressive legal attack and force her to surrender the gifts, but that could get ugly, fast. Legal fees could quickly mount to crushingly high levels, and depending on how upset she is, she might decided to blab to all and sundry about how insufficiently endowed you are. You definitely don’t want that kind of nightmare on your hands, but how can you buy her love without actually giving her anything?
Simple answer: buy her a car. Even if you buy her an economy brand like VW you’ve still spent at least $20,000, and unlike clothing or jewelry, as long as she has a decent Internet connection she’ll be able to find out immediately how much you spent on her. As it often is with women, dollar signs are immediately interchangeable with little red cartoon hearts, and she’ll fall head over heels for you if she thinks she’s just found herself a sugar daddy. So what makes a car a better Christmas gift then a ladies Rolex? Easy: you never have to actually give her the car. I mean of course you’ll hand her the keys, but for “insurance purposes” you’ll “have” to keep the ride titled in your name and ipso facto, you’ve just created the perfect tether. If she falls in love with the car, she’ll have an incentive to tow the line because she’ll know that if the relationship ends, so does her joyride. If she leaves, you still get to keep the car, and won’t seem like any more of a douchebag than you already are.
So now the only question is, what car do you buy her? Although you are aiming to protect yourself (and your assets) in the unfortunate event that she leaves, it’s not a good idea to buy her a car that is obviously suited to your tastes. She might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but when it comes to gifts, women have a sixth sense. If you stick a big red bow on top of a HUMMER H3T or a Dodge Charger SRT8, she’ll realize immediately that this gift isn’t really for her and the damage control you’ll be forced to do will wind up running you double, possibly even triple, what simply buying her favorite car would’ve cost. If you have no idea where to even begin looking for a car a woman would like, never fear, RideLust is here. To aid you in your quest for romance, assembled below are the 5 cars guaranteed to buy you her love this Christmas.
1. Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder
Remember when you saw Tyrese Gibson driving that purple Spyder in 2Fast 2Furious and you thought, “This movie is stupid”? Well you were right, and although Gibson behind the wheel of that sissy little Eclipse was only one of the many, many things that were wrong with the entire Fast, Furious trilogy, it was certainly one of the more glaring fallacies. The Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder is a female car, period. The most immediately obvious characteristic that supports this assertion is the fact that outward visibility is literally only accommodating to those under 5’7″, and any guy who stands at 5’7″ isn’t going to buy an Eclipse, he’s headed for the Dodge Ram dealership. In addition to favoring people small in stature, the Eclipse Spyder is also just like one of those damn ornamental bathroom towels: nice to look at, but you aren’t really supposed to use it. The Eclipse Spyder looks like a sports car, but it handles like a ’04 Toyota Camry (which is to say, not too bad if you’re running errands, but you’ll get laughed off any track). Cornering is a joke, understeer is a bitch, and even though the Spyder does alright on the drag strip, so does a Ford Pinto if you give it enough ground to accelerate. Fortunately, since most women lack any sort of driving skill whatsoever, things like “torque steer” and “instantaneous velocity during curve-exit” won’t matter to your girl, she’ll just be thrilled her sugar daddy bought her a cute little sports car for Christmas.
2. Porsche Cayman
So you’re a professor at the local state college and this semester, the nubile young freshman you’re shacking up with has been hinting around that she’d like a new set of wheels. Well she’ll be your bestest friend 4 EVAR if she wakes up Christmas morning and finds a brand new Porsche Cayman in the driveway. “A Cayman?” you say with barely disguised disgust, “Why don’t you just suggest I buy a Trans Am?” Relax, my good man, I’m not suggesting you drive it, it’s for that blonde little bed warmer, remember? You and I know that a Cayman is nothing more than a half-assed 911, but all she’s concerned about is the shiny, gleaming Porsche badge affixed to the rear fascia. Just trust me on this, don’t waste your hard-earned bacon on a 911, she’s only a freshman.
3. Volkswagen New Beetle
The classic Beetle began as a hardcore piece of German engineering endorsed by the original gangster, der Führer himself, but has since been replaced by the modern, significantly less intimidating, New Beetle. While the Classic might have actually earned you some street cred, the New Beetle is the car that neither you nor any of your buddies would ever be caught dead in (except for that one friend of yours who always seems more amped about hitting the showers afterwards than actually playing the game), but it’s perfect for your girl. Aside from the extraordinary amount of effort VW put into successfully marketing the Bug as a chick ride, the New Beetle also appeals to girls because it’s like a purse on wheels – it’s got a unique style, comes in several different bold, bright colors, and has plenty of storage space. Plus, the New Beetles also come with this flower vase thing attached to the steering column, and women love decorative shit like that.
4. Saturn Vue Hybrid
Two words: “Project Runway.” You know your girl watched it, because you watched it with her (voluntarily too – and hey, it’s ok), so you also know that the Project Runway winner – you know, the mousy looking broad with the Soviet-issue glasses? And the teeth like Amy Winehouse? Yeah, that one, anyway – you also know that your girlfriend thought the winner of Project Runway was a genius, and that genius is currently motoring around in a Saturn Vue Hybrid. As if that weren’t enough to seal the deal, not only has the Vue Hybrid received a fashionable endorsement from both Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum, it’s also part of the biggest trend in Hollywood right now: going green. So just take a minute to consider all the potential here: if you buy her a Vue Hybrid, not only will you appear “progressive” and “sensitive to the environment” (which she just creams over), but you’ll also be able to say, “I remembered how during that one episode you said you thought it was cute, and I just wanted to show you that I was listening, baby.” Can you say “jackpot”?
5. Cadillac Escalade
Over the past few years, a lot of your friends have been getting married, settling down, and starting families of their own. They’ve been trading in their sports coupes for luxury SUVs, and weekends in Cabo for weekends at Wiggles concerts. Personally, you are horrified, and you’re even more horrified that your girl has been dropping hints lately that she’d like to tie the knot soon, too. She spends a lot of time with your friends’ wives, and they’ve convinced her that you’re ready to pop the question any day now, and frankly you’re getting pretty tired of seeing that impatiently expectant look on her face all the time. While you can’t avoid that subject forever, you can buy yourself a little time. All she really wants (all any woman ever wants) is to feel that she has just as many things as her friends. If her friends’ list of “things” include a husband and cherubic toddlers, but the prospect of proposing still makes you faintly ill, try focusing instead on other objects, like what her friends are driving. It used to be they all roared around in cute little 2-door ‘utes, but starting a family meant trading up to a bigger ride. Now they all pull up to the mid-morning brunch in Range Rovers and Cadillac Escalades, but your chick is still driving an Infiniti G37. The solution is so simple, you’ll be amazed you didn’t think of it ages ago: buy her an Escalade for Christmas. When she seems confused by the gift (I mean after all, the G37 isn’t even two years old yet), explain, “I thought that the Escalade might be a more practical choice for someone who might start a family in the future…” and then just trail of mysteriously. She’ll be so elated, she won’t push for more details, and she’ll be so enthusiastic about your “proposal”, she won’t bug you for a ring for at least six months.