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25 Awesome Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

Posted in Celebrity Cars, General, Pop Culture by Nathan Redden | May 12th, 2009 | 50 Responses |
Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson certainly has a way with words. One of my personal favorites was in reference to the new Caparo T1. “When this thing goes on sale, there isn’t going to be a ditch in the land or a hedge row that isn’t full of Premiereship footballers who are broken and on fire.” Enjoy.

1. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”

2. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”

3. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”

4. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”

5. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”

6. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”

7. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”

8. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”

9. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

10. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”

11. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

12. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

13. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”

14. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”

15. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”

16. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

17. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t
you?”

18. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”

19. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”

20. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”

21. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

22. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”

23. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”

24. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”

25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

Click here for 15 more classic Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

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50 Responses

  1. Vito Rispo says:

    fantastic

  2. Dash says:

    every.
    last.
    one.
    IS CLASSIC!!

  3. Danny says:

    Spot on!!

  4. Bruce Freisinger says:

    You missed one of my favorites:

    Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase. This [the Audi R8] is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.

  5. Gazzy says:

    Funny, for the most part apart from the last one. So people who get buses are “poor people” and somehow less of a human than Jeremy Clarkson? everybody knows only the stig is above other people and I think it naive of Jeremy to state otherwise.

  6. Me says:

    Oh.
    My.
    God.
    The Galaxy was one of the fathers of muscle cars. Like what Army of Darkness or Nosferatu was to movies. Facking Galaxies were, are, and always will be the shiznit.

    • Ponyboy2010 says:

      Thank you!! I own a Galaxie and I love the hell out of it! Not all of us can afford Mercedes and Aston Martin. Also, the car is spelled Galaxie not galaxy. Just a neat little quirk.

  7. derrick g says:

    when he is talking about the galaxy its not the muscle car he is talking about its the new ford galaxy wich is like a focus version of a van

  8. Mihai says:

    Good job !

  9. Bill says:

    I’m forced to wonder if these brilliant one-liners are borne of Clarkson’s own wit, or the result of well-paid writers behind the scenes.

  10. JASON HENDON says:

    Clarkson uses other peoples quotes around him , i have it on good authority the mans an arsehole and all the silly car freaks look up to him ,sad pillocks

  11. Pierre says:

    True to the BONE

  12. 'Timmeh says:

    JEREMY CLARKSON is a FUCKING LEGEND

  13. Timmeh says:

    they cant b the products of writers 4 2 reasons hes the same in his motoring columns before he did topgear its why they hired him quote number 13 comes from back then and he writes the scripts himself

  14. Mike says:

    “I have it on good authority” means NOTHING on the internet. Your good authority is probably your own imagination. Anyone that’s read any of his work can tell the man knows how to write. His books had me laughing my ass off, one liners are his territory!

    He’s amusing, and he’s interesting – so he’s a better person than *YOU!*

  15. Jake says:

    Jason Hendon is a sad, arsehole pillock, whatever that is.

  16. Jake says:

    And so is Bill.

  17. He is a little too self centered for my taste.

  18. Mike says:

    I discovered Top Gear just this year and it is now the only show on TV I find worth watching. Thank God a new season is starting. I was getting tired of the re-runs. They bash us Americans quite often but on the whole we have better teeth, weather and food. nonetheless I thank Jeremy for putting a smile on my face every Monday evening on BBC America.

    • florin says:

      I’m not sure about the food and weather either if you try a comparition with whole europe.If you are resuming to the brits,well then you have better cars too.

  19. Rob says:

    Clarkson is a knob who used to be funny

  20. Murthy says:

    You missed his comment on Beetle : The Germans built a washing machine and when it rattled too much, they decided to turn it up side down and add four wheels.

  21. hahaha I love this guy
    LOL @ number 4

  22. Evo says:

    I may disagree with 90% of what he says, but I still think he’s a Top Bloke!

  23. Gabriel says:

    “Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering more than 170 bhp is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love to a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen”.

    epic.

  24. Ezel izle says:

    that is gooooodddd…

  25. Some guy says:

    16 was about a chrystler 300c, not a vette, which does let you turn TC off.

  26. I love Top Gear, watching it right now, love the list but gets me wondering whether they have comedy writers working behind the scenes for a lot of the gags. Alas, once upon a time I used to watch Leno and Letterman and wonder how on earth they thought of all those funny jokes by themselves… live and learn :)

  27. Gunks says:

    Its all photo-shopped!!

  28. EricL says:

    Think u forgot 1 on the list..

    Clarkson to Hammond: Latest news on short people, there rubbish in bed and useless at work..!!

  29. dave homberg says:

    Whether Jeremy and Jay Leno write their own stuff or not is immaterial–they’re funny guys. You can shove Letterman. I record Top Gear and love to watch them put cars thru their paces (watched the comparos of USSR-built garbage this morning), but I usually fast forward thru the drivel of the 3 guys in the studio. British humor is an acquired taste!

  30. wanker says:

    Clarkson-filling oxfam bookshelfs since 1996

  31. aaa says:

    Come on……even this one has “Awesome Quotes” ???

  32. Dave says:

    RE: Gazzy, comment 5.

    Sucks to be you. On your bus. Ha.

    Get over yourself.

    JC FOR PM!

  33. mikeyyy says:

    im sorry, but the person who posted “They bash us Americans quite often but on the whole we have better teeth, weather and food” is seriously a bit on the mental side… london is rated like 3rd in the worldwide michelin star ratings for 1, and just because we arnt a physical perfection obsessed nation doesnt mean we are all ugly feckers……..where as, everything jeremy clarkson says is 100% true ;)

  34. Mr. Willumsen, Denmark says:

    Ferrari may be the Holy Spirit but it is Clarkson who is God !
    (Of course he could not reveal it himself – he’s way too modest . .. .. :-)

  35. Rod Evans says:

    The very best Sports car has’nt been built yet.The very best is a mixture or blend of what had been built up until now. Drumroll please….1956 Austin Healey BN2 powered by a Chevrolet 302 V8 or basically a late 60′s Z28 drivetrain with 4 wheel disc brakes.Parts would be reasonable and available,not to mention close to industructable in a very good looking classic British sports car that weighs in at about 2,000lbs with a reliable 400 horsepower.No compromise for treehuggers or the government.No cheap plastic,picnic table bumpers,no emission controls,no power windows,no AC,NO BULLSHIT!

  36. jdm engines says:

    Can’t wait till the next season comes back on…At least I hope it comes back.

  37. Mandy says:

    I think Jezza is very sexy. Don’t care what anyone else thinks, he does it for me!

  38. Bobishu says:

    You missed one of my favorites too, from the audi r8, “Its lower than a badger’s badger”.

  39. inthebuff says:

    Just stumbled upon this one…good stuff. And the comments work!

  40. Matt says:

    The thing about americans lecturing the world was about the Chrysler 300c, not a corvette…

  41. pegleghero says:

    this guy and top gear both suck. no one wants to hear his dumb on e liners about the sound of engine, they would rather just hear the engine.

  42. Lara says:

    Excellent, made my night

  43. What an awesome dude! Great list of quotes..

  44. hancackes says:

    Hahaha Jeremy is brilliant! and in a very distinctive way… amazingly sexy.