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10 Cars That Are Guaranteed To Get You Laid

A question that man has feverishly wrestled with since the dawn of time: “How can I score with that hot chick?” Pick-up lines are overrated and have a higher failure rate than an inner-city high school, and date-rape drugs have the potential to get you 5-10 w/o parole – so whatever is a horny guy to do?

Well looks will got you pretty far, and personality even more so, but if you’re bankrupt on both, a surefire way to get lucky is to drive a sweet ride. So on behalf of RideLust, I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of the top 10 surefire “panty peelers” – rides so undeniably lust-able, any man behind the wheel is guaranteed to score at least one piece of quality ass [by “quality” we mean anything from a 7 to a 10; below a 7 and forget a Lambo, you could score that with a Corolla].

1. Lamborghini Gallardo

Although less expensive [and slightly less powerful] than the Lamborghini Murcielago, the Gallardo is Lamborghini’s best selling sports car – and thus the most recognizable [well, subtle exterior colors like “Epilepsy Orange” and “Reflective Traffic Vest Green” help a little, too]. The Lamborghini Gallardo is a fool-proof way to score, we guarantee it.

2. Bentley Continental GT

An incredibly luxurious sports car, driving a Bentley Continental GT is as good as dipping your exhaust manifold [yeah, that one] in gold.

3. Porsche Carrera GT

The Carrera GT will get you laid, but you have to possess a certain “presence”. Porsche coupes, even the ridiculously expensive ones, have an unfortunate tendency to send mixed signals in the “orientation” area. So if you’re on the prowl in a Carrera; no silk ascots or driving goggles, and if you have a European accent, keep the rolling of your R’s to a minimum.

4. Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren

Benz’s attract the fairer sex like moths to a flame, we’re pretty sure all you need to do is stand next to the McLaren and you should manage to snag a babe or two.

5. Ferrari 430 Scuderia

So fast it’s dangerous, taking those curves at white-knuckle speed will get the adrenaline rushing, and the lady in the passenger’s seat feeling wild.

6. Dodge Viper SRT10 ARC

You can never go wrong with 600-horsepower and sleek American muscle – it’s the automotive equivalent of the All-American quarterback, absolutely irrestible to the ladies.

7. Chevrolet Corvette ZR1

Alright, so we’ve got a ride crush on the new ‘vette, so sue us. Although Corvette’s usually have an unfortunate mid-life crisis stigma attached to to them, we’re willing to bet the Corvette ZR1 could jump those hurdles in a single bound [or, at the very least, will get you a semi-hot older chick].

8. Maserati Quattroporte

Maserati’s flagship model, the Quattroporte exudes power and grace, which, like the Corvette, might end up scoring you a few older chicks in addition to the usual gaggle of rubber rats [we mean that affectionately]. Unlike the Corvette, however, the Maserati’s well-established luxury super car status gurantees that any older chicks it attracts will be hot older chicks [think: Demi Moore circa Charlie’s Angels, or Penelope Cruz circa any-f*ing-time].

9. Bugatti Veyron

Sort of making the list by default, the Bugatti Veyron is guranteed to get you some simply because it’s consistently ranked among the top 10 most expensive cars in the world. Even a chick who knows nothing about cars [or even just plain nothing - I mean lets face it, you’re not after her for her scintillating conversational skills] knows a Bugatti [and a sex symbol] when she sees one.

10. Cadillac Escalade

Now hear us out – even though it’s not considered a “super” anything, the Cadillac Escalade is more of a chick magnet than it’s given credit for. Even though we know that some suburbanites are aggressively attempting to turn it into a grocery-getter, there are still some true mack daddies out there who are holding firm to their Escalades and the bad ass sex appeal they exude. And believe us, Escalades do radiate sex appeal. The big, bulky exterior inspires images of power and raw masculinity, so much so that many a female fantasy often revolves around “intimacy” that actually takes place in the Escalade [or on it, depending on how flexible you are]. So not only will the Escalade get you laid, but with plenty of interior space and rear-folding seats, it will get you laid anywhere, anytime.

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21 Responses

  1. dustbunnyofthemonth says:

    I think #10 needs some editorial help. “Here us out”, “their are still”, “mack daddy’s”. I like the take on the Carrera GT though (R not rolled, I promise).

  2. Suzanne Denbow says:

    Thanks for the heads up, I guess I got a little excited while I was writing – cudnt clam dwown lawng enuff to currect all the errers ;-)

  3. Jeff Zekas says:

    This article is a joke, right? Back in the day, my college buddy, Phil, drove a beater, yet the pretty girls all went home with him. I drove a Ford Pinto and never had a problem meeting pretty girls. So, I am thinking this story is meant for comedic effect only.

  4. […] guys at Jalopnik were inspired to make a list of cars that you may want to avoid if you’d like to get […]

  5. Makk says:

    wtf…where’s my VW Bug?

  6. […] other day, Jalopnik, inspired by our list of the “10 Cars That Are Guaranteed To Get You Laid,” good naturedly [we choose to assume] generated their own list, “5 Cars […]

  7. Guliamo Kopche says:

    First of all, we are all dumber for reading this, me included. Now maybe if Ms. Denbow had driven these cars and reported on who SHE was able to pick up maybe that would be contributing to society. Otherwise this is just a useless list of cars, that everyone knows are fancy.

  8. GM conducted a study, as part of this year’s Challenge X competition (whatever that is), in which nearly 9 out of 10 women – that’s 88 percent – reported that they’d rather be chatted up by a man who owns the latest fuel efficient car, than a man who owns a trendy sports car.

    Furthermore according to the same study, 80 percent of Americans – both men and women – said that they would find someone with the latest fuel efficient car more interesting to talk to at a party, than someone with the latest sports car; and more than four out of 10 – 45 percent – of 18 to 43 year olds say it is a fashion faux pas to own a car that is not environmentally friendly.

    There’s an old saying: consider the source. Since this survey was commissioned by GM, whose record for being spot on is not looking very good right now, there’s the urge to look at it with a jaundiced eye. But something else: the survey was of all sorts of people, not just car junkies. True enough is the fact that we who haunt auto blogs and read auto mags might lust in our hearts for a Bentley drop top; but right now, with more and more Americans concerned about global warming, the occupation of Iraq and an economic meltdown that the IMF (International Monetary Fund) has said is (potentially) the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression, 0 to 60 times and top end speeds of 180 to 200 mph don’t mean much to most Americans – of either gender. In fact, they smack of self-indulgence. That was a desirable trait in the 1980s but much less so now.

    Looking smart, frugal and socially responsible, is going to count for a lot more on the coasts, and especially in college towns such as Seattle, WA or Berkeley CA or Ann Arbor, MI. But then, that’s just my opinion and I could be wrong.

  9. Lurker says:

    Just a heads up, but I believe #6 should be Viper ACR, not ARC. I’m pretty sure it stands for “American Club Racer.”

  10. CHris says:

    Where’s the ultimate chick magnet? Jaguar XKE roadster…. In “CFM” red and chrome wire wheels.

  11. Deartháir says:

    What?? No Volkswagens? Crap, I knew i was doing something wrong…

    Hold on… Lambo… Bentley… Porsche… Bugatti…

    Only four Volkswagens? Crap, I knew I was doing something wrong…

  12. Uncle B says:

    “Getting Laid” based on the car you drive is absolute crap! “Fucking” women outside of wedlock, for solely irresponsible carnal pleasure, with no intention of fatherhood is as close to rape as you can get you indecent bastard vulture capitalist and is what is wrong with our society, and has nothing to do with how I raised my daughters. Most American women are educated people, and are about to rebel, demand Universal health care, decent respectable housing, and good fathers for their offspring. “They” band together, form groups opposing assholes like you and will soon boycott your products for it’s asinine notions (as soon as I spread your brand-names and this sick anti-feminine site around) that they are “easy” if you own the right car – Try getting a good education, and treating all women as if they were your Mother for starters, then, grow up! 14 year old boys dream this sort of nonsense as they masturbate while looking at photos of well endowed young women, in practice for the real thing, not photos of your goddamn cars! Some Muslim Princes may mistreat females like this in their own countries – Do Not bring that shit here, it will not fly! We spank our little boys for disrespect, and we band together and boycott products that do the same!

    • Uncle B.S. says:

      This Uncle B doesn’t even realize that the article was written by a WOMAN. Not a man! I do support respect for women etc but the fact that this person does not realize that our species would not survive were it not for lust (and later, pair bonding) is just ludicrous. Sure buying an expensive car to get chicks is kind of a fail mentality because it implies one would struggle without the car, but the author herself proves that there is an appeal of what someone drives at least to an extent in the same way that how you groom yourself and what you wear gives off a certain perceived persona/lifestyle to the world, especially to people that barely know you. On that note, more men have FAILED to get laid by treating women “like their mothers” than have EVER gotten laid or married. Its thinking like that that puts women back 50 years, let alone calling the FEMALE author an asshole because you THOUGHT she was male. Tell me this, is she still an asshole now?

      • the man ^^^ says:

        that guy. winning. so hard. over uncle B and his yellow polo shit and kaki shorts.

        grow a penis. drink a beer. drive fast. and have fun.

  13. You got the lambo, the bentley, the maseratti, the ferrari, the benz, and the caddilac right. But the veyron, the porsche GT, the Dodge, and the chevy are misses. I would rather replace them with the Jag XJR, the S class ( duh ), a rolls royce ( do you know how many saudi princes own those things, and do you know how many chicks are after saudi princes? ), and maybe, just maybe, a Porche Cayenne or another porsche that looks more like a porsche and not so ugly.
    To get laid in a veyron you would have to enjoy having sex with cars because only a car would fancy a man driving a veyron. I wonder how many women even understand what the thing is, it doesn’t necessarily look attractive, not from a getting laid point of view at least, i’s not bling bling, or at least doesn’t look like it, it’s fast but just unrealistic for this planet, or any planet for that matter, and well, in a range rover you can score 3 chicks. In a veyron, maybe one. Maybe not. And if you do score, the chick will be puking after the ride, and will probably ask to be let off at the next intersection, find a cab and run away.
    The corvette and the viper are likely to get you a score with some high school cheerleader, maybe even a hooker in a club, but that’s not going to come close to the Bentley Continental or the lambo. correct me if I’m wrong.

  14. yim says:

    what about 96 chevy cavlier?

  15. wow… nice that car.. I like all that car. I like this post, thanks

  16. Kyle says:

    what about the Lamborghini Murcielago?

  17. car review says:

    Looking smart, frugal and socially responsible, is going to count for a lot more on the coasts, and especially in college towns such as Seattle, WA or Berkeley CA or Ann Arbor, MI. But then, that’s just my opinion and I could be wrong.

    • Kurt Ernst says:

      “Hey baby, check out my Prius. I converted it to run on biodiesel…”

      I can see that close the deal in LA or Seattle.

  18. Vivi Swann says:

    sorry I wouldn’t hit on that. The only reason why some men buy such ridiculously pricey cars is to compensate on something.. urmm maybe their manhood? Although I wouldn’t say no to a Maclaren. The others are pretty overated, thank you very much.